I can hear it creeping up behind me

Whispering in the walls as I go by

From the corner of my eye a see a shadow flickering just out of reach

The sound of my heart pounding echos through the night

Can it hear me

Can it see me

Will I know it when it shows it’s face to me

Will it recognize what it is that I have become

Will it look at me and know the demon resides inside of me

I can feel it growing within me

This maddening beast rising higher

Killing off all that is left of the human part of me

Choking me as I struggle to retain who I am

Gasping for air

Leaving me unable to breathe

The darkness envelopes me

Delivering me into a realm I’ll never be free of

But would it matter if I could be freed

For I will never be me

All that is left is the demon who took over me

God I hate that I miss you,

That every cell in my body is screaming for you. 

Those nights you owned me

Ravaged me

How I would come completely undone by a kiss

And you knew all along

You knew how you affected me

The tears of ecstasy I once shed

Now flow from the ache that comes from within

Will there ever be another to fill this void I have in me

The hunger that grows

It pains me to acknowledge it’s sin

If I could scream your name one last time

Could it sate the beast that lives in me

The monster you molded beneath your hands

Bent on fulfilling your every need

Now cast aside

I became everything you wanted of me

I had shed my pride

And lowered myself upon your floor

And still now I am incomplete

Begging to be ripped apart once more

Laying claim to what was once yours

Could it be there that there will ever be another

Someone to quench the flames that burns from within

To ease the pain I hide inside

I can only wonder why you had set me free

Unless this charade is just another part of your game you play

 

 

I’ve always stood on my own

Fought through the battles that came my way

Over and over I picked myself up

And did my best to hold my head high

I’ve been the rock others could lean upon

I’ve tried to be the voice of reason for others to hear

And fought to champion those who were weaker than me

I’ve always said you can never depend on others

You only have yourself to blame

Yet now here I am

Embattled and scarred

Still trying my best to stand on my own

But I find myself weaker than before

With endless tears that flow as I sit alone

Waiting and hoping for someone to come along

Someone who can remind me how strong I am

To help me see

To find the person that once was me

Is it a crime to want a small part of what you craved

To feel the warmth of arms around me

I’m not infallible

I am human just like you

I bleed

I cry

So why can’t I know how it is to feel

Why am I denied the thing that I gave so freely

For just one night I want to feel safe enough to cry

To be held tight and told I will be alright

Even though I know only I can make it through this night alone

I can’t stop wishing for the moment when I no longer pretend

To be the one who is unbreakable

I just want to let down my guard

And know what it is like to spend just one night safe in your arms

 

 

I don’t know how much more I can bear

Denied of your touch

I begin to feel my sanity slipping from me

Trapped in endless dreams

Unfulfilled and creating an ever growing need

Dare I say I understood the look in your eye

Could it be wishful thinking when you were blocked from me

Your face was still

But your eyes screamed MINE!

Was it concern as you watched me silently plead to be freed

Too afraid to speak out

To state my case and be shamed because it was written all over my face

And yet every time I close my eyes you are there

Tormenting me

Always just out of reach

I know now there can never be any release

And silently I cry inside

Praying for your touch to return

The only one that can heal my soul

 

 

I know it's all coming to an end 
This dance we play out in my head
I don't love you of this I'm sure
But the thought of never feeling your touch has me so distraught 
The gentle way you sooth my soul
The trust I've built around the time we've shared
It's all coming to an end

And yet I still feel you in my mind
The care you showed me
The thoughtfulness as you led the way
I don't know why but I picture you once more 
Your hand upon my back
Guiding me, till it slowly slips around my waist 
Holding me there close beside you
Allowing me to feel safe once more
It's all I ever dream of 

To be just a moment in your arms
To know the strength that is there
To feel safe
To feel as if someone cares 
But would it stop there
Could I walk away 
Or would I need more

A kiss
A touch
A stolen glance

Would it progress 
Or could I be content
To know just once how it would feel to have you hold me close
Wrapped in warmth 
But the end is coming and I am torn
I barely know you
No I know I don't love you
But damn if I deny some feeling I have inside
But it doesn't matter now
It'll be over soon
And all I'll have left is just a memory
And a dream of something that will never be
Something I will never really know
It's over now
The end is here

 

The pain it’s always been there

The emptiness swallowing me whole

Alone in the world where I lost my soul

This journey now makes no sense at all

Empty smiles belies the fears in my dreams

Unfix-able

Too broken

Just a hollow shell of who I once was

Yet I still breathe

And meet each day with uncertainty

I don’t know how else to deal with the growing ache in me

But to shut it off till I find myself alone

And only then does my heart cries out once more

There is no fixing what’s been lost

There is no way to return to where we have been

So forward I go

There are no second chances for me

All I have left now is the path before me

I can only hope that one day we’ll see each other in my dreams

 

I woke up from a dream and you were there. You were withdrawn and distant, preoccupied with your work. A friend nearby was asking me how I felt and I said you were my heart. I couldn’t breathe without you. Forget how beautiful you are it was your soul that drew me in. And I knew I would be lost without you. How funny a dream would scream the truth at me. I am half the person I was meant to be. And I did not realize the hole in me until you came along and now that you’re gone and just disappeared that hole grows and aches to the point its crippling me. I just wish you were here instead of in my dream. But for now if that’s all I can have of you then that’s where I want to be.

 

A long time ago something happened that made me close the door
I couldn’t believe in anything any more
Then you came into my world so unexpectedly
And I felt things I haven’t felt in so long
Feelings denied never realizing how starved I was inside
I took down my wall
I let you in
And with it so much light came in
I laughed
I smiled
I finally thought the time had come, I believed I could be happy this time
But it was never real, it was nothing more than a game you like to play
A pawn I was, so easy to discard
Left broken to drown in my own tears
Until I woke one morning to find my wall had returned
And now the emptiness screams even louder than before
I don’t know how to undo the damage that’s been done
And I wonder if I would ever trust again to take down these walls
Or if I would even have the strength to begin again

And if I did would I ever try again…

 

 

 This is my entry for a taboo story, please see more listed at @pallidpen and enter your own taboo story

http://pallidpen.xanga.com/767827602/three-degrees-taboo/

 

 

DEFINITELY NSFW!!!  (FAIR WARNING)

 

I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.  But there I was halfway to my destination to meet him.  The closer I got the more my hands started to shake, I kept thinking to myself you can always turn back you don’t need to do this.  For some strange reason I felt compelled to.  I must be nuts I thought to myself, off the charts, belong in a locked padded caged, NUTS! I wouldn’t veer off course now.  Pulling into the parking lot I took a deep breath and composed myself.  Checking the mirror one last time, I nodded to my reflection and made my way to the tower in the center of the park.

He was already there waiting for me.  In the instant I saw him I knew it was him.  His smile put me at ease, and he stood up to acknowledge me.  He took my hand in his and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek, I blushed and he chuckled at my shyness.  We sat and talked for a bit, I couldn’t help but want to edge in just a bit closer to him.  There was something about him, just drew me nearer to him.  His smile, the golden hazel eyes, his boyish good looks.  I sighed and knew it was time to let him know I was ready.  We left the park, his arm around my waist already laying claim and walked me to my car.  I followed him back out onto the road to a hotel down the block.  I could just keep driving I told myself, but I was in too deep.  I knew it and so did he.  We checked in as Mr. & Mrs. and I felt the familiar flutter in my belly again.  Looking down at me he cocked his head to the side as if to say, shall we?  I walked slightly ahead of him, with his hand on my lower back to guide me to our room.

The moment of truth had finally come, standing in front of the door he leaned in and whispered softly in my ear, “You make the rules, you can always walk away and never step inside.”

I shuddered and looked down at the room card he placed in my hand just a moment ago.  With my head bent down I took another deep breath and unlocked the door.  Once inside he set about closing the curtains, privacy was key.  He turned on the radio in hopes to disguise any sounds that would come from our room.  I stood in the center watching him, waiting to see what would come next.  I had not noticed but he had with him a small duffel bag which he laid on the bed. He unzipped it but left the contents inside.  It made me nervous, without taking my eyes off the bag I started to tremble.

“Shhh, ” he said stroking my face, my hair.  “There is nothing in there you do not already know about.”

He kissed me gently on the forehead and looked me in the eye, losing myself once more in his hazel orbs I nodded my compliance.

“Good,” he said stroking my cheek, “Now undress for me.”

I closed my eyes and began to unbutton my shirt.  Sliding it off my shoulders I reached around and unzipped my skirt, leaving myself to stand there in heels and a matching lace panty and bra set. I kept my held down, as he walked around me.  With quick fingers he unhooked my bra and tossed it on the bed. 

Standing back in front of me he murmured, ” Better.”

It took all I had not to cover my breasts with my arms, but I stood still shaking so hard I believe he noticed.  I nearly jumped when I felt his fingertips slide from the top of my hips up my side, just rounding the outside curve of my breast, to my neck until he hooked it right under my chin.  Slowly he pulled my head up to meet his gaze, and he leaned in to kiss me.  I felt a bolt of electricity coursing through my body when our lips met.  I could feel the pull to my nether regions as I began to become moist.  The way he kissed me, I could not put into words how he made me feel.  Before I realized it I felt his finger caressing the outside of my panties and before I could catch myself I moaned into his mouth.  I could feel the smile that spread across his face and I relaxed into his gently strokes.  I nearly stumbled when he pulled away, but caught myself. I sighed inside, I did not care anymore, I had left all inhibition at the door when I crossed the threshold today.  Every hot forbidden desire coming to life, every thing a good little girl would never do with a perfectly hot stranger.  And hot he was. 

“Do you trust me?”  he asked.

“Yes”

“Yes what?”

“Yes Master I trust you.”

My heart began to race, as I took a half step back.  But his hands went to my waist to steady me.

“Do you trust me?” He asked once more, with more authority.

I was frozen, whether from fear or need I could not move.

I looked up at him, seeing the question in his eyes, “Yes Master I trust you.”

He stroked my cheek once more and smiled, he kissed me lightly on the lips while gliding his hands down my arms till he caught my wrists.  Before I could realize what he was doing he had my wrists cuffed loosely behind my back.  He kissed me once more, and then turned me towards the table.  He bent me over and with a touch of his foot, I spread my legs and propped my ass up for his inspection.  He began to trace small circles up my inner thighs, just reaching my center, before he continued up to ample ass.  Before I knew it he had untied the strings that held my panties in place and let them fall between my feet.  I could feel him palm each globe and squeeze, then spread my cheeks exposing even more of me.  I shifted and he pushed my head down onto the table, to help steady myself and keep me in my place.  I could feel his lips softly kissing my ass, slight licks as he squeezed, and my pussy was soaked.  I began to tremble with more need, but he did not seem to be in any rush.  I could feel his breath on my swollen lips as he spread me even further for inspection.  His index finger running the length of my slit, gently lifting the hood of my clit I moaned and my hips swayed.

Before I realized it he pulled his hand away and then with a quick slap reconnected to my ass.  I yelped out, more startled than hurt.  He seemed to enjoy the sound his hand made hitting my ass, because he began to spank me, over and over, slowly increasing the strength of his hits until I cried out in earnest.  He stopped and began to gently caress the redden welts that began to form on my cheeks, as I moan he he deepened his caress into a rub and once more slide his finger through my moistened slit.

“Hmm you did enjoy that,” he says as he realizes how much wetter I am from the spanking.

“Yes Master, thank you.” I murmured to him.

He stands me up and walks me to the edge of the bed before he sits down.  He pulls me down till I am laying over his lap and with one hand pushes my legs apart once more.  “Then you’re going to love this.” he says as he rolls my nipple between his fingers.  I cry out but not in pain.

Turning my face to him, “You remember our safe word, yes?”

“Yes Master I do”

“Good, do not use it unless you need it.”

“Yes Master I will, thank you Master”

He strokes my hair once more than steadies me on his lap, caressing my ass again.  And then he begins without warning.  Over and over he spanks each side, my skin feels like its on fire and the pleasure rolls through me in heated waves.  He stops briefly to caress my ever reddening cheeks and readjusts me on his lap.  He begins again, and I moan louder in time with each hit.  My hips shake with each blow and I nearly cry with ecstasy.  Seeing that I am so close and lost within the moment he spanks right between my open legs. I nearly jump off his lap, but he holds me in place, and continues.  The vibrations begin to rock me and then I feel his finger enter me.  At this point I can no longer see, my eyes mist over in tears as he begins to stroke me from the inside all while rubbing my clit with his thumb.  I scream with joy as I come all over his hands, and he continues to work every ounce of my wetness out. As my breathing becomes normal he slides me off his lap till I am positioned kneeling between his legs.  My head bowed in supplication I am suddenly afraid.

He notices the change, “What’s wrong pet?”

“I’m sorry Master,” I whisper keeping my head bowed.

“For what are you sorry for,” he questions me, he tilts my head up to meet his gaze.

“For coming without permission, Master”

He laughs out loud and I am taken aback. “Is that all?  Well you’ll learn control soon enough.”  he leans in and kisses me softly.  He sits back and I watch him lick the very fingers he just had inside me. “MMmm, I may need to taste you first hand.”

I blush once more, and cast my head down.  He laughs at my modesty and asks, “Are you hungry, I believe it’s going to be a long day.”

He walks over to the table to grab the take out menu and my mouth falls open.  Yet slowly a smile creeps over my lips and inside to myself I agree, it’s going to be a very long day. 

 

 

 

 

I woke up this morning from a horrible nightmare. All I could do was grab my pup and just cry. And yet even though I was alone in my room I wouldn’t allow myself to really cry. Seemed the only thing that helped snap me back was when I got out of bed and I stood up the pain in now both my knees nearly sent me back to bed. But it’s Saturday, and I have physical therapy and a house to clean.

So he comes inside because I’m going to make breakfast and I tell him I had a horrible dream. He just talks right over me, apparently the race in Italy is more important than his wife telling him anything. All I could do was swallow back any tears I had left and just finish the eggs.

With the thought of seeing Dave in therapy today was about all the comfort I figured I would get. At least he is there to help heal my body even if my heart feels like its drowning. But I couldn’t even have that. I walked in to find him off today and had to deal with the girl who I liken to as the pain bringer. I guess in a way it’s fitting that my body still hurts instead of feeling comfort because it helps even out the pain I have left over from my nightmare and the knowledge of knowing no one will ever be there to get me through those dreams.