It always surprises me

The things you notice about me

Or should I say how you always notice everything about me

Even the little things no one else care to see

It touches the part of me I try so hard to hide

But as you catch my eye I can’t help but let you in

How I wish I could tell you it all

From my dreams to my tears

From nightmares to the landscape of my dreams

But you already know too much

No matter how much I try

You creep in just a little further each time

I’d shield my eyes but you would still see every inch of me

It scares me sometimes

To know how easy it is for you

Yet deep down inside I smile

Wondering how much you really know

This game we play

Will it ever end

Could it ever be

Or should I stay wrapped up tight in my private daydreams

Safe and hidden from the uncertainty of the possibilities of who we could be

 

Wow it feels like forever since I’ve been here.  I feel like I’ve missed out on so much and I’ll never catch up.  But at least I’m back and I get to see how everyone is doing.  Not much has been happening.  I’ve dropped my orthopedist.  She wanted to refer me out anyway as she doesn’t do surgery.  Now she tells me!  After all these months of being in pain.  She thinks I’ll be back to check in with her, well I won’t be.  I’m done with her and moving on to someone who can do better by me. 

Other than that not much else has been going on.  Just work and back to therapy.  I went to my sister’s Sunday for a BBQ and some puppy time. OMG they are so freaking cute at 4 weeks.  Running around playing and barking and yes even growling..lol.  It is so cute!  My family all came up and we had a good time.  I left the asshole home as he was being a little bitch about coming.  Knowing I had already made plans to see my sister he tells his friend we’ll go on his boat to a yacht party on Sunday.  Oh really? First off what made him think of me and my knee being a good idea on a boat?  Then lets not mention the fact that although I like his friend but I can’t tolerate him for more than an hour.  He likes to clank his dentures around his mouth and tell everyone he’s 71.  OMG do you really think I want to hang out with a 71 yr old!!!!  I don’t care if he goes boating and rides a Harley.  But the kicker is I don’t like his alcoholic girlfriend at all.  Two years ago we all decided to go out on the bikes to a local festival for the day, they came to meet us at our house.  No big deal right?  WRONG!  She walks up my lawn to say hello to my husband and completely ignores the fact that I’m standing right there.  Bitch this is my house!  So for the rest of the day a good 4-5 hours she just continues to act like I don’t exist.  I told my husband just this once I wont say anything but if I ever see her again and she disrespects me I’ll knock her the fuck out.

So now he goes on and on how she’s changed.  I don’t give a flying fuck I’m not going.  He says we don’t have to hang out with them we can go from boat to boat.  Again in what world did he think that my knee could do that?  Plus lets not mention my husband looks like a biker.  You think these rich people are going to let him just walk on their boat?  Yeah I don’t think so.  So I would end up stuck with his friend and bitch girlfriend.  I was so tired from not sleeping and being in pain I regrettably broke out in tears arguing with him.  Not that he cares that I cry anyway, which is why I refuse to.  But I stuck to my guns and left for my sister’s.  I had a blast.  What was even better I didn’t have him rushing me out the door.  I could relax and just enjoy myself.  Which I did.

So Sunday comes along and he tried to start with me and I told him fuck you and fuck off.  He wanted to go see the Expendables, well I’ve been waiting forever to see Batman.  He tries to convince me by saying oh we’ll go on Wednesday after work.  No we won’t I know him too well.  And then what will happen is I’ll miss seeing it in the movies and have to wait for cable.  Fuck that!  So I tell him go see Expendables by yourself today I’m going to see Batman.  Guess what he saw?  Of course Batman and loved it.  Loved it more so because I paid for everything!  So much for him helping me, but he had $300 to spend on his bike this weekend.  yeah he didn’t think I heard him, I’m not stupid. 

I just keep praying something turns in my favor so I can flip him the bird and walk out.  Maybe my bracelets will make me enough money.  I just started selling them last week and so far I’ve sold quite a few.  Fingers crossed!  Plus I’m thinking of self publishing some short stories and my poetry.  Who knows maybe, we’ll see! 

I was watching one of my favorite shows last night, So You Think You Can Dance.  And in one of the judges critique something hit home.  as a dancer was being spoken to after his dance, he was told that it was obvious it wasn’t that he could dance but they felt his need to dance.  And it really struck a cord with me and I felt a part of my heart ache.  Now don’t get me confused, I am in no way a dancer like these kids are, not even close, but I love to dance.  I remember a time when I would go dancing 3 – 4 days a week.  I had one club that I used to go to, okay okay it was a dive bar in the Bronx with a dance floor and DJ, but as soon as I would get there I would hit the dance floor and never move.  The waitress would bring me my shots and beer to the dance floor…lol.  There were nights when I would close my eyes and let the beat move through me, become a part of me.  Even to this day I have to listen to music every day, it’s a part of me and who I am.  Even on a Saturday when I would be cleaning the house from top to bottom I would blast the radio and dance…and yes even at a metal concert I could find the groove to a drum beat to sway my hips back and forth to.  For me there is rhythm in everything.  How many nights I would stay up way too late with the head phones on downloading music and dancing in the back room by myself.  Music soothed this savage beast, and in turn made me feel so alive as I would meringue through the house.

And it got me thinking of other things that I miss so much that brought me my greatest joy and made me feel alive.  Horseback riding was another.  God how I miss it.  Something about becoming one with a 1800 lb animal and having full control as you gallop across the ground.  Sitting back and becoming one with my horse and nature and just feeling and taking it all in, it is probably the most serene feeling I have ever felt in my life.  There was one particular trail horse I would ride, Honey.  She was a chestnut red quarter horse and I loved her.  If I could have bought her I would have.  She was too hot for most people but for me we were a perfect match.  She knew what I wanted when I wanted it even before i wanted it.  When I would take her on a 2 hour trail, we would rest up and feed our horses treats.  We’d bring them apples and baby carrots, and afterwards she would lay her head on my shoulder and I would wrap my arms around her neck and stroke her mane.  At one point I used to dye my hair a reddish brown, my friend would always tell me when I would hug her she didn’t know where Honey’s mane ended and mine began.  I’ve never given up my dream of owning my own horse, maybe someday.  If not I’ll wait with baited breath till I can ride again. 

The other thing I miss terribly, well it’s sex.  Yes I am married and no we still don’t have sex.  We haven’t had sex in 5 years.  And even with all my emotional issues that I have been through I still love and crave sex.  Yes I did the unthinkable and I had an affair last year.  Considering what had been happening in my marriage leading up to the affair it’s amazing I didn’t have one sooner.  Gratefully things are quiet at home now that he’s completely kicked his pill addiction, but we’ll never be the same.  Not to mention his drug abuse has pretty much killed his ability to get an erection. You would think he would at least do something for me, but no.  He’s selfish in that department.  And frankly compared to my ex and D he’s no where near as talented.  Yes I love my husband but I’m not in love with him.  And I had it all planned out to move out before June of this year.  Then I had my accident, and now with impending surgery and another expense added of a new car.  My savings is gone and I’m starting over all over again. It’s sad and depressing, because it hurts to see how couples who really love each other are together.  And I live with well, I live with a messy roommate.  I care about my husband and I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, and I am happy that he’s finally clean, but for me I haven’t felt married in a long time.  We don’t even kiss or touch other.  I might as well be living with a gay man who doesn’t have a sex drive. 

I miss the flesh on flesh, the heat the passion.  The sweat when things got so intense.  How I would feel when I was joined with someone.  I have to admit as good as D was I miss my ex the most.  He was my first real BDSM relationship, and with the lifestyle going mainstream because of 50 Shades of Grey, it’s only made me miss it more.  Sex is amazing with the right person, especially with someone who can keep up with you, but add in BDSM, and for me it was mind blowing. ***SIGHS***  One day, someday.  I can only hope.

For now I’m stuck with a bum knee that is extremely painful and limiting my daily life.  And now I get to reflect back on all the things that made me, well me.  I just want to get to the point where I can enjoy my pooch and our walks to the beach again, at least I’ll have that once we fix my knee.

 

 

Dare I say the words that linger on my lips

To express how much I miss your touch

How safe and healing it felt to me

How I imagined myself lying in your arms

My head upon your chest listening to the beat of your heart

I know I shouldn’t picture these in my mind

But how do I deny the small comfort it brings 

The look of concern in your eye

It only makes me wonder why I continue to hide how I feel inside

Afraid perhaps of the denial that would come my way

To feel a fool lost in her own sweet fantasy

So there I stay

Hidden behind the lies I spin

Pretending I am fine as I pass you by

And yet I wonder

Would I dare to say the words I long have denied

Or keep hidden my feelings deep inside

 

There was a time when I thought that love was mine
And all I could do was dream of your eyes
The intimate words softly spoken in the
Tender moments we shared across the miles
I let myself become lost in this fairy tale of mine
To only find that it was all just one girl’s silly dream
I wonder now how I could have never seen you
For the liar you really were
Was I that damaged to not see you for what you really were?
To slip so easily into the lies you told
Hoping that a chance of love was truly there?
And even now though I know the truth behind your words
And knowing the pain behind the game you so skillfully played 
It’s often hard to still admit I still often think of you
And knowing that the day our song died so too did a part of me inside

So I had my IME appointment today (Insurance Medical Exam) with my car insurance’s doctor to see if I needed further treatment or not.  Normally you have to go in and gear up to make your case to stay in therapy and treatment to get better, these insurance companies are so quick to cut you off and you end up either paying out of pocket or partially with your own private insurance.  Well not for me, the insurance doc has suggested that I need a knee replacement.  My heart skipped a beat and my mouth dropped open.  That was not what I was expecting.  Especially not from a doctor who’s job it is to determine to cut off my benefits so the insurance can stop paying out. 

My lawyer is happy, it means hope for me suing and in a way I am relieved because it goes to prove I have been in pain and not faking it as I feel my specialist is feeling.  I’m calling her office on Monday to try and move up my appointment to have a nice chat with her.  If anything maybe I’ll go back to this orthopedist and see him or have him refer me to someone else.  The sooner it’s done the sooner I will feel better.  This also verifies my therapist and his belief that something more was going on with my knee other than just swelling and bruising.  I wonder what he’s going to say when I tell him this piece of news.

In my eyes, I’m not happy about having such major surgery, but then there will be an end to my never ending pain.  Maybe we can change my name from wyckdstorm to bionicstorm….lol .  Well that’s all the news i have for now.  Hopefully I will get some inspiration for writing this weekend, which I miss doing.  For now it’s time to catch up on my DVR and finish my shark week which has been A M A Z I N G!!!!! 

It’s been a while since I’ve been here.  I’ve tried keeping up on my subscriptions but life has a messy way of getting in the way and keeping me from being here.  So much and so little has been going on there really wasn’t anything too exciting to write about.  Its been tough getting inspired to write and express myself.  I’ve been stressed out with getting a new car, and trying to figure out how to make my new payments and keep up on my other bills, to the never ending pain in my knee. 

So first the good stuff…

I got a new car!  Okay okay, I’m actually renting a new car for the next 3 years…lol. Yes I’m leasing a ….hold on wait for it…..a 2013 Sonata! OMG I love my car!  It’s hot!  I have XM satellite radio for 3 months for free, then I have to say goodbye (lol), but I even have heated seats and my side mirrors defrost!  So many new features but lets just say I love love love my car, just trying to think of a name for him for now.  Because it’s a dark grey (no 50 shades here…lol) I’m leaning towards something shark like.  Yeah it’s shark week and I’m obsessed so please pardon me while I take in my fill. 

I’m also getting ready to start a little side business.  All summer long I have been making beaded bracelets (elastic and the shamballa kind)  and I’m just about ready to open my facebook page to the public to start selling.  If I do decently I am going to open an etsy store online.  So far I have been getting a lot of great responses as my sister has been rocking quite a few for me to her job and her coworkers and friends are lining up to buy.  Even my massage therapist can’t wait for me to start selling them, he wants to show his wife and her friends and make me some money!  I started making them because I was so disgusted on either how chinsy they were being made and sold or how expensive some websites were selling them for!  So now that I’ve perfected my techniques and I’m using great products and tools I’m ready to step out and put my name on the line.  These are just a few of what I am selling to give you an idea.

 

  

 

Not bad, I’m making all different styles to try and be able to sell to as many people as I can.  Who knows maybe this will be enough to help me make my car payments for the next 3 years.  Let’s hope so!  I have tiger’s eye beads and so many different beautiful pave beads.  I love making them, and since I haven’t been able to get around and enjoy my summer it’s been keeping me busy staying out of trouble, lol.

Home front is quiet, nothing major happening there.  We still aren’t like a married couple but at least no more blood shed or attempt I should say.  He is finally off of everything and sober, at least he says so but he looks better so I’m inclined to believe him, not to mention the psychotic episodes are no longer happening.  I talked with my sister and even though things are so so, I feel like there has been too much damage to recover for me.  Unfortunately because of my new car I’m kind of stuck sticking around, which is okay for now.  We’ll see how this plays out. 

As far as my knee goes, well not good.  Because the MRI says I don’t have a tear my lawyer feels it’s going to be a tough fight to sue.  But my therapist and I feel my doctor is wrong.  All kidding aside my knee is not getting better.  Actually we started these injections last week and my knee is worse.  I’m seeing her tonight because it’s been so swollen it’s bruising and my therapist said my knee cap is just floating.  To say it hurts is an understatement.  She needs to start acting more aggressive on my behalf and do something.  if this was just a soft tissue injury I would have shown improvements.  Instead I’ve been in continual pain since the accident.  There are days I just want to cry because even if I take a vicodin it doesn’t help and I haven’t had any relief since April when I had my accident.  It’s really getting to me because I’m still not sleeping well, I can’t focus on my writing, and it’s messing with my moods.  I’ve been trying to stay upbeat but even my therapist sees I’m getting to a breaking point.  So if my ortho wont step it up then I think it’s time to switch out and go with someone more aggressive.  I’ve already lost too much time.

Well on that note, gotta get back to work and deal with a whole new set of stressors there…lol.  Oy I need a drink already and it’s not even 12!

 

 

 

 

Sitting here in this fog

My mind ceases to care

Fleeting thoughts evade me

As the world closes in all around me

The bitterness of defeat still hangs over me

Lost in an endless night

It’s all I can do to just lay down and not cry

Yet time stands still in the room that I dwell

Cursed to spend an eternity trapped here in your memory

 

But then again I think sometimes having no luck at all would be significantly better than having bad luck.  So where do I begin…hmmmm, well lets start with my temporary piece of shit mini van.  It’s dead, yep you read correct it’s dead.  I was crossing a major roadway and it just died on my way home Tuesday night.  Thankfully I was able to coast to the side of the road out of traffic, at rush hour I would have been creamed.  It was hot and muggy and I had to wait for my husband to come and get me and figure out how to get it off the road.  His friend called a tow and got it to his friend’s shop.  I ended up missing out on my physical therapy which in of itself is a good and bad thing.  Good because my regular massage therapist has been out because of an injury and his replacement sucks and hurts me big time, but bad because the longer I wait in between therapy the harder it is on me when I do go back.  Can’t win. 

Now I had to call my father who thought he did me the biggest favor of buying this POS (piece of shit), for me.  His brother completely ripped him off!  My husband’s friend checked it out and it’s definitely the transmission.  It’s shot and will cost close to a thousand dollars to fix, yeah no, can someone say junk yard!  So now my father is going to tow it back to his brother’s shop and get rid of it from there.  And that makes me feel bad. I really was trying to find something soon to give it back to him and let them sell it from there.  I didn’t even have it for 3 months!  My father only paid my uncle for it not even a month ago!  And I know that prick wont give him his money back either. 

So I originally took off this Wednesday to spend the day with my pooch.  It was his 5th birthday and he’s been bored as hell, it’s been too hot to go out and I haven’t been the most fun still hurting from my accident.  So I figured taking the day just him and I heading out early before it got too hot to the park then visit some friends and off to the doggy bakery.  I ended up waiting for my husband to take me car shopping.  Now I will end up having to finance something, I don’t know how I’m going to manage, but I don’t have a choice.  You can’t live here on Long Island and not have a car.  I’m lucky enough that I can bum rides off my HR manager as she lives only 5 minutes from me.  But I’m sure that’ll get old real quick for her.  I did find one car that I was able to negotiate the price down but I’m still not sold on the car.  Tomorrow I have to start looking again, I have been looking on auto trader to narrow my search. 

It wouldn’t be so bad if family didn’t start more drama.  See on Tuesday when I broke down I was pissed, and every right to be.  I put a status on facebook saying my POS van died.  Now 2 days later my father calls my mother saying he got my status update in his yahoo mail.  The only way that would happen is if someone sent it to him.  The only person who would do that is his sister.  And I know she did it to try and protect the other brother she kisses up to because he controls her purse strings.  Unreal.  So my father is hurt and upset, hello I was the one stuck on the side of the road and I’m the one without a car again!  Whatever right?  No, because he’s supposed to be loaning me an extra $2k (because he feels guilty putting me in that shit car) to help with a down payment to keep my payments low.  And of course once I get my settlement from my lawsuit I’ll be giving it back to him.  Now how do I call him to get him to transfer the money with this over our heads and I’m not supposed to know he knows? I wish I didn’t need his help, but I’ve just dropped close to 5K on dental work in the past 18 months, so I’m completely tapped, not to mention my cat was sick and well, my babies come first. 

So now I have to make like I don’t know anything, ask him for some advice to ask when I’m doing the paperwork for a new car, and get him to transfer the money into my account,  Oh what fun!  Well wish me luck on doing some major damage control and ass kissing and lots more luck on my hunt for a new car (or should I say a new used car,…lol OY!)

 

 

 

Feeling stifled

Trapped in this barren cage

I pace the floor waiting for my moment to escape

Yet each day passes by and with it the hope of running free

Will I ever know what it is like to see the sunlight

To feel it’s warmth caress my skin

To marvel at the sky

And count the stars when twilight comes

To feel the breeze lift my hair

And revel in the wonder of the world around me

But for some the simplest of pleasure were not meant to be

To never know a lover’s touch

A passionate kiss, or a peace only found with his arms

But these things will never be shown to me

For here I stay

Locked away

Forever captive in the irony of what I once thought was love

Now only suffocates me