It’s been rough but I made it through to the other side and finally some sense of normalcy is starting to take over.  Hurricane Sandy came in Monday and absolutely devastated the area around me.  I lost power at 1:30 PM on Monday, home alone of course and the hurricane had not even made landfall in New Jersey.  By 6, it was getting really serious and we had to sit it out and hope for the best.  My poor dog was in a full panic, he wasn’t comfortable just sitting next to me on the couch he kept jumping off and pacing.  He wouldn’t calm down until I made my husband sit on the couch with me.  He finally laid between us and started to relax.  By 9 the winds really picked up, it was said that at some points it was anywhere from 70-75 mile per hour winds, with gusts up to 115 MPH.  And then we heard a huge crack.  We both jumped up and looked out the kitchen window to find one of the 8 oaks on our property fallen over into another tree.  Now I was really scared and started none stop praying to make it through.  Eventually my husband passed out about 11 and I could not fall asleep till the winds started to ease about 2 am.  ’

Tuesday morning our backyard was a mess.  Gratefully the other trees were standing and we had no damage to our house or anyone else’s.  Only to find out today that the top of one of our trees busted through our neighbors pool (thank God the landlord has house insurance).  I was happy to see that the tree that holds a family of squirrels is still standing and okay.  

As of right now this is how my backyard still looks and remains until the insurance adjuster comes, and now I have to worry about a ne storm on Wednesday!

 

I went driving down Montauk Hwy, and I was in shock by what I saw.  But it was nothing compared to what I eventually saw in pictures and clips on my cell phone.  Homes completely wiped out, just gone.  Only the foundation left behind, in a few cases the land the house and foundation were on were completely gone as well, just swallowed up by the ocean.  There were homes that burned down to nothing, in Breezy Point over 60 houses burned to the ground because the fire fighters could not get there due to the flooding tides.  Homes were blocked by boats, some homes had anywhere from 1-3 boats on their lawns.  People lost everything, only leaving with the clothes on their backs and each other.  Then came the gas scare, and still there are problems with lines of cars waiting for up to 4 hours to just get 10 gallons.  Slowly things are getting back to normal as more stations open when they get power and the gas trucks now flowing onto the island.  

Food is another problem.  Grocery stores have removed all perishables.  There is no meat, eggs, milk or produce to be found.  Hopefully there will be some restocking tomorrow so I can make dinner tomorrow.  For 6 nights we lived by candle & flashlight.  While being ia hard in the dark can be hard for some it was the cold that was getting to me.  Each night got colder and colder.  Saturday night it was said to have dropped to 35 degrees.  And believe me I felt it.  My body is still achy from cramping in the cold, sucks but hey I knew it could be worse.  Each night we wrapped ourselves under 2 thick blankets, and with my pup and cat as little heaters I wouldn’t move until necessary.

Thursday was a bad day, I was pissed about being at work.  There were no phones, no internet and no access to the server.  What the hell was I doing there wasting gas when I could be home looking for food and cleaning my yard.  But no because of accounting we were there till 5!  Yeah I was fuming.  I ended up working it out with the girl upstairs to cover for her Friday and take off Monday.  Which worked out perfectly!  We got power at about 7PM today (woohoo!!!) and now tomorrow I’ll spend it cleaning and looking for food and getting my house in order.  I was lucky enough to get gas on Friday and have 3/4 of a tank left.  

It’s been rough, but my heart continues to break for the people who lived only 2 blocks down the road from me.  While my neighborhood was hit with fallen trees and poles, the had their homes destroyed by pounding waves and flooding waters.  The animal shelters around have been hard hit too.  Some destroyed and in need of repair, and replenishment of supplies.  It’s humbling seeing how bad we were hit (they have said the face of Long Island has been changed forever)  and I don’t know how people who go through this and lose everything year after year live through this.  

But I am so grateful and thankful that my home is intact, we have our cars, my babies our safe and we finally our power is back and we are getting warm!  I hope my other fellow Xangans who were hit by this storm have made it through safe and sound!

As most of the nation knows the east coast is going to be hit by what the weather authorities have deemed a near perfect storm, and they have have named her Hurricane Sandy.  It’s not my first hurricane, Irene last year being the most destructive I’ve experienced, but it makes me nervous all the same.  Our house is minutes from the ocean and just 2 blocks past the evacuation zone that was set up last year.  I’m not too concerned about flooding, it the trees that worry me.  We have 8 oaks right on top of the house, and lets face it living so close to the ocean our dirt is made up of a lot of sand.  That worries me for keeping the trees rooted in their spots.  All we can do is just keep our fingers crossed and pray that the worst we experience is a lot of rain.  I’m curious if my job will be open tomorrow.  The north shore where my job is located is known for losing power so I’m hoping they stay closed so I don’t have to make the 2 hour round trip commute which will be made longer due to crazy traffic from downed trees.  I have plenty of candles and we have a small radio to listen for any news since we will most likely lose power.  Since we don’t have a generator we are bringing in the big cooler and we’ll fill it with ice and keep just the essentials in it like milk, eggs, water and whatever food we can eat.  Gratefully we have a gas stove so I can reheat and even cook with.  

My biggest fear is something happening to the house, and it’s not for my personal safety but more my cat and dog.  I’ll have her carrier at the ready if necessary but shelters don’t allow pets so I’m really screwed if something happens.  I am in no way leaving my babies behind, it’s why I didn’t evacuate the last time.  I could easily go to my sister’s but she now has 5 dogs in the house and with my cat being 15 I don’t want to freak her out and end up making her sick.  So I’mm praying, everyone is praying that this is not as big of a deal as they are making it out to be.

So to enjoy the calm before the storm, I took Monster on an outing yesterday.  One of our meetup groups had a Halloween party at Petco, it was cute to see all the dogs there. He’s such a ham he loves the attention he gets when he’s dressed up.  He was a lion this year, it was so funny to see the dogs react to him and his fuzzy mane.  But he had a good time and that’s what counts.  And no dressing him up isn’t torture to him he actually enjoys it as long as he’s comfortable,

 

 

You just can’t beat that smile!  I decided after getting home and resting up a bit to take him to a park for a nice walk, something we haven’t done in a very long time.  I knew it would hurt later but you know what he was so good he deserved the day out.  It was such a beautiful day for it and how can you resist when you see the entry way to the trails.  It’s just stunning!

There are so many trails to take but I always walk out to the bay first.  It’s a small bay where people will let their dogs swim in, but the water was too cold and choppy today so I didn’t see any dogs swimming.

 

That’s the end of the main trail that ends at the bay.

 

This part of the trail was surrounded by these ( I always forget what they are called) and they stand taller than me!  And I’m 5’3″.

 

Looking down the beach and watching the clouds start to roll in.

 

Heading down fox trail 

 

I love birch trees, so fitting this time of year.  There were these tiny lil birds climbing up the trees, I thought they were mice till I had a closer look, but they moved too fast for a photo.

 

Just trucking along down the trails.  A little blurry cause his tush was moving lol.

 

 

And out cold in his car seat next to mommy (ME)!!!  I would say he had a good day! Don’t you just love that face!

 

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend, and that anyone in the storm’s path stays safe!  Hopefully I will be on tomorrow cheering that I have power.  Fingers crossed!

 

 

Have you ever wished you could be invisible sometimes

For no one to see the emotions playing out on your face,

Afraid they would see the weakness inside and laugh as you cried.  

You prayed for those occasions of peace and solitude

Yet they those moments never fail to pass you by

And then you come to a point in your life when you want to be recognized

Your hand held out in a crowded room

Hoping against hope that someone grabs hold

That they could see how lost you were

And that they would validate the pain you carry inside

For one blessed moment they would turn and smile

How wonderful would it feel to not be invisible at that time

But it isn’t to be

You sit and wait 

But they just pass you by

You see I finally got my wish

I was invisible this time

But it happened at the worst opportune time

When I needed the warm touch of your hand

To know you realized how much I needed to be seen

Only I know it was never meant to be 

You didn’t even notice when I walked away

Nor the tears that threatened to shed

Not one person could see me

For I was invisible this time

I am beyond pissed.  I am so sick of people bad mouthing my country over and over.  And coming from people who don’t live here currently.  This world would turn on it’s head if I was president.  I wont even go into what would change but i guarantee the world would notice.  I’ve never said because I was born here I am better than anyone else.  We have our own issues, just like everyone else.  It’s funny how people I’ve met along the way and have held intelligent conversations with were surprised to see like their own countries, we suffer from similar issues.  All in different degrees but the same none the less.  We don’t advertise to the world our short comings, we as a nation are still very young and in need to keep a good impression or a strong front as some would say.  Maybe that’s wrong, but it’s what we do.  

There are so many incidents that I can bring up that show just because we are considered a “super power” that we deal with violence, poverty, crimes, abuse, and homeless just like the rest of the world.  Again in different degrees but we do none the less.  And let’s face it statistics are not always, if ever correct.  Remember people tell you what they want you to know.  What I’ve seen and dealt with in my own life is all the proof I need to know that a sheet of paper with numbers is not the whole truth.  No our streets are not lines with gold, nor is there a house with a white picket fence for every family.  But I do respect that we might be in a better position to help shine the light on issues around the world and we do.  Unfortunately in this day and age terrorism is foremost the government’s greatest concern.  And frankly I don’t blame them considering how close I do live to NYC.

To generalize a nation as a whole is ignorant.  It would be the same if I chose to believe that all Muslims are radicals and should die for the few who hate capitalism (funny though how they come here to make money to fund their extreme beliefs).  But as an educated woman I know better than to blanket a group as a whole.  There will always be bad apples in everything, every where.  The point is to not generalize and not spread the disease of misinformation.

And with that I’m done!

 

 

Saw this on @RushmoreJ ‘s blog and thought oh yeah I can answer that…lol

 

Adult Survey

1) Ever been to a bar?  

Yep, but not in a while

2) Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? 

Yes once, I was with a guy who had a beef with the bouncer and when he threw him out he made me leave too, douche bag

3) Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? 

Thank God never!

4) Kissed someone of the same sex? 

Nope

5) Thrown up from drinking too much? 

Not in a very long time, but I’ve had a few moments, I’m usually pretty good at pacing

6) Had sex in a car? 

LOL yes, it was awkward, hot and crazy, and left me with bruises on my calves, how I don’t know so don’t ask..

7) Had sex in a park?

Does a campgrounds count in a tent?

8) Had sex in a movie theater?

Nope, I don’t like being watched so yeah no extra fondling either

9) Had sex in a bathroom? 

yep, lets see the tub, a jacuzzi, the shower, against the sink

10) Had sex at work?

Nope, although I probably could have when I worked overnights at the animal hospital

11) Had sex on the beach? 

Nope don’t think I would enjoy finding sands in certain cracks, if you get my drift

12) Have you ever had a threesome?

Never, I don’t share well at all

13) Have you ever bought something from an adult store?

Yes I have (a cat o’nine tails, oils, a vibrator) 

14) Have you spent over $100.00 in one visit to the adult store?

Actually no

15) What is the most daring place you have had sex? 

It wasn’t full blown sex, but I gave my BF a BJ in his car in my parents driveway…lol OMG!

16) Have you ever bought some one a gift from and adult store? 

Yes.

17) Do your bra and panties match today?  

Um no

18) Do you ever go “commando”?

 Yes, it’s my little secret

19) Are your breasts real? 100% real baby!  Do you like large silicon breasts?

Unfortunately yes, way way too big I would have a reduction if I could.  silicon does nothing for me, don’t think it would look good on men..hahahaha

20) Have you ever taken naughty pix of yourself? 

Nope never leave any evidence, and not for nothing you should always be so memorable they never ever ever forget (wink)

21) Does anyone have naughty pics of you?

Nope!

 

 

I was watching you from across the room

The way you walked, and how you spoke

I couldn’t help notice the confidence you had

Or how amazing the healing that flowed from your hands

It struck me for the first time as I looked at you

The strength you so willing gave 

I took in the steeled look of your back, the thickness of your arms

Its a wonder then how gentle you really are

Selflessly you give of yourself

Over and over again

Taking that which was broken and making it whole once more

It made me wish you could reach inside my soul

To take that part of me that was torn

And hold it in your hands

To heal that which I thought had been lost to me

But it’s a dream I have when you look at me

For I am too afraid to let you see what’s really in me

The pain, the hate, the years I’ve cried

The loneliness and ache I continue to hide

The betrayals I’ve buried deep inside 

So I sit back and watch you from my perch as you walk on through

Never knowing the only healing I really needed is the one forever denied 

So there I stay pretending to smile through my pain

Never showing you the holes that are there

Knowing that I can never heal that diseased part of me

 

 

I feel disgusting, I feel weak.  I feel like I’m wasting away.  I felt so good last year, working out, going out.  Living my life.  And now here I am stuck.  I feel like I’m stuck.  I watch all the other patients in therapy advancing, even the 2 kids with cerebral palsy can do more than me.  It’s frustrating, infuriating!  I could walk forever and never need a break, I could jump in my car and drive without once ever feeling pain.  I can’t dance, I cant wear my sexy new heels.  I know how minuscule that is but I’ve been stuck in flats and sneakers.  I couldn’t go to the beach because I can’t walk in the sand.  The one thing that I miss the most this time of year is riding.  Something in the freedom and peace of being on horseback, I can’t even have that.

I hate that I’m whining and complaining.  But I’m tired of just dealing with it, and trying to put up front about it.  Of dealing with the constant pain and just forging through.  I’m tired of putting on a brave face and not crying cause it really fucking hurts.  I know I shouldn’t be bitching.  It could have been a hell of a lot worse.  There were 2 other accidents the same night as mine, and someone died in each one.  Today an officer was killed pulling over for a car accident on the same parkway I drive on.  And this pisses me off.  I sit here whining about a swollen knee and people have been maimed or killed in their own accidents, yet I can’t seem to let go of it.  

Maybe I’m tired of being tired.  Tired of still hurting and tired of watching others who have worse problems get better than me.  I just don’t get it.  Sorry I just needed a moment to vent and complain .  I’m done.   

Not much has been going on.  Still in therapy for my knee.  I am beyond frustrated and so is my therapist.  I wonder if he’s frustrated with me because I’m not getting better.  Though we both know something has to be done to my knee, it’s just the specialists that haven’t done a damn thing for me except to keep prescribing therapy.  Even he said the other night, that with therapy I am in pain but without it I am worse.  Right now I am in a no win situation and I am over it.  I think my exhaustion has a lot to do with dealing with the pain itself.  I’m just tired of “just dealing with it” every day.  Plus now I am aching all over because I’m so tightly wound from just this pain alone.  And it doesn’t help that I still have no relief in the other dept in my life…sheesh.  Can’t I get a break!?

Work is work.  I’ve been too crabby to socialize so I stay to myself, saying hello and making small talk here and there.  What I hate is that it’s affecting my beading.  I had so many ideas, now I can’t even pick up my beads unless I am crafting a new bracelet for someone.  Which by the way has been going pretty good.  I get an order or two every week or so.  So I am very excited about that but I need to come up with holiday bracelets and I have no creativity right now.  I’m sure I’ll get back in the groove soon enough.  If you are interested in checking out what I am doing just head over to my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/wyckdbeads  or my etsy store http://www.etsy.com/shop/Wyckdbeads.  Yes I know shameless self promotion…lol  Hey a girl’s gotta make a buck.

Things between the husband and myself have been quiet.  We seem to be getting along, but again it’s still more of a roommate situation than a marriage. I’ll give him he’s trying, but like I told my sister I know, it’s a little too late.  But at least we are not fighting as much, we did have a huge blow up a few weeks ago, well actually I lost it.  Between not feeling well and sick of his crap that day I flipped.  Since then he’s been better, I really believe he’s afraid of me finally leaving him.  Unfortunately I don’t believe it’s because he really loves me, more like he needs me.  But I have come to terms with that now, it is what it is.  The icing on the cake is that he now wants to prospect for a motorcycle club.  I already told him no, I don’t care if they are not technically 1%’ers, they are still affiliated with the Hell’s Angels.  We happen to live in Pagan territory which is their #1 rival.  I don’t need that shit coming to my house.  We have become good friends with the club’s president and his wife, who I like very much.  But that’s not me, not anymore.  Back when I was a lot younger being a part of a group like that would have appealed to me.  Not anymore. It’s not just that but I’m sick of him giving his time to everyone but me.  When you “hang around” you spend a lot of time with the brothers, then if you get asked you prospect and become their bitch.  So they can call on you at any time.  And prospecting takes anywhere from 6 months to a year.  Just what I need right?  

Hey I don’t care if he hangs out with them, and a part of me almost wants him to join because it would be easier on him when I do leave.  I have met quite a few of the guys and their wives/girlfriends.  We were invited last week to a clubhouse bbq Friday night.  We had a nice time and for the most part I got along with most of the women.  A few of them I could see them eyeing me up and down like who is this bitch.  Last thing I need is a problem cause if some bitch gets out of line with me I will not hesitate to open my mouth and back it up.  But aside that, I was a bit put off, this is a very touchy kissy crowd.  I kid you not, every guy there kissed all the women and hugged them when they left.  That’s fine they know each other but I don’t.  So when it came time for someone to leave they would either hug me and kiss my cheek or take my hand and pull me in to kiss my cheek.  I brushed it off as being friendly, until the president stepped over the line.  He pulled me into him and hugged me, now I’ve known him and his wife for a few months so I was okay with it, he leaned down to give me a kiss and if I had not made the extra effort to turn my head he would have fully kissed me on the lips.  Instead he caught just the corner of my mouth.  Then he had the nerve to look at me disappointed!  Hey I know how in some clubs guys pass their women around, but I’m not into that.  Not to mention I really like his wife and respect her as a friend.  Up until that moment being hugged and kissed goodnight did not feel as awkward and off putting as it did then.  I never said anything to my husband, I don’t want to start problems.  It’s just weird and makes me feel like I have a dirty old man pawing at me.  

That’s pretty much it in a nutshell for me.  Nothing exciting except for my Halloween/Fall spectacular weekend coming.  Hopefully I will be inspired soon to continue writing.  Till then hope everyone is well.

 

 

Not much happening other than work and physical therapy.  Business on the bracelets are starting to pick up especially with some new designs I just put out.  I’m actually working on opening my Etsy store hopefully I will have a Grand Opening on Monday.  Fingers crossed.  Working on a an erotica story, I guess it’s just bad timing (time of the year for me) and I’m a bit stumped.  Although the exhaustion and physical pain I’ve been in has helped with getting me through these past couple of weeks when it’s usually a very dark period for me.  Just more withdrawn than on edge, even my therapist noticed and he’s been a little gentler with me.  It’s weird how he’s been watching me the past few days, as if I’m going to break.  Almost as if he knows there is more going on with me that just the physical pain I am dealing with.

Just going to keep focused on my beading and plans for next weekend’s Halloween fall fest we have planned.  That’ll be an amazing time, a haunted hayride, a corn maze and 6 haunted houses.  Can you say Halloween overload!  Yes I am looking forward to that with my sisters and then apple and pumpkin picking the next day.  And then the Friday after I’m going to see Geoff Tate(formally of Queensryche) at a local club.  As the day draws closer the more excited I will get, it’s just old hat I have to get past the middle of next week and it’ll be better.

I’ve been inspired to tell my own ghost story thanks to @boricua_chic_2008 and it’s fitting as we get ready to welcome Halloween.  I’m not sure if I shared this one experience but I thought it would be fitting.

It’s been 6 years now since my brother-in-law passed away.  It was heartbreaking, he was found in his bed by my niece, his step-daughter (who he raised for 5 years).  Eddie was young dying at 33, it was later determined that it was a mix of drugs and alcohol that stopped his breathing and his heart.  He was a serious addict, and it didn’t help that he was going through so much.  He had a broken neck that had a metal plate and screws from a serious car accident and he also was going through several surgeries to save his leg from a later accident he had with a sanitation truck.  But Eddie’s issues went further back than that, he was abused as a child and it drove him to drink.  No matter how much we told him or showed him we loved him it didn’t help.  He wanted and needed his mother’s acceptance and love.  Something we knew he would never get.  Unfortunately after a really bad fight my sister moved out of their home.  She was told by Child Protective Services that if my niece remained in the home she would be removed by the state.  My sister had had enough and moved.  She still stopped by the house to check on him, and the house.  She was moving forward with divorce proceedings but we were never sure if she would carry it out all the way or use it to scare him straight.  On Mother’s Day 6 years ago, she stopped by the house to check on him and do some cleaning.  My niece ran by the master bedroom to her old room and told her mother that he was sleeping.  My sister went in to wake him but found he was dead.  The worst part of it all was her calling me screaming you were right you were right.  See on the day she moved I looked at her and told her that she would be a widow before she divorced him.  I don’t know where that came from I just blurted it out.  Sad thing I was right.

A few months later my sister moved back into the house.  After a couple of weeks she asked me to come up and bless it for her as she felt uneasy.  I went through the house alone blessing it, it wasn’t until I stepped into the master bedroom was I filled with so much sadness.  And then I heard a voice inside my head, “Please don’t make me leave.” I knew it was Eddie.  I sat on the bed and talked with him, well more like I spoke but never got anymore response other than a feeling.  I told him in my head that we loved him and that we always will.  That he would always be a part of our lives.  That this was his home and he was always welcomed here.  I felt the air lighten and the ache in my heart eased up.  I told my sister what had happened, and told her it’s okay to talk to him if she felt him near.  My niece would see him on occasion, especially in the kitchen as he loved to cook.  Even months after you could smell his cologne every now and then.

A few weeks later I had a dream I was watching a clear blue sky fill with clouds.  But it wasn’t just any clouds.  They were writing a message in the sky and it said Eddie + Chris 4ever.  I remember smiling in my dream, I felt at peace, and I believed for the first time Eddie was also at peace.  I called my sister and gave her his message.  That he was okay and that he loved her and would always be there for her.  She cried, but I think it was out of relief to know he was happy and no longer tortured by the memories of his past.  I still think of him often, and we talk about him often.  We laugh about the good times and buried the bad memories.  My sister gave me his prized Metallica tshirt which I wear to almost every concert, since he was my concert buddy back then.  So now I bring him whenever I see a live show.  I always touch my fingers to the emblem above my heart and whisper in my head “Hey Eddie”.  

I haven’t had another dream with him, though I feel him around sometimes.  A song will come on or a memory would pop in my head, and it’s a reminder from him never to forget him.  And I don’t, I always whisper back I love you Eddie, you’ll always be my brother.  

I can only hope he is truly at peace, and that he is rocking upstairs with Darryl “Dime Bag” practicing until we can join him and watch him play.