Darkness crept in and stole my light from me

She laughed at me as I cried

Helpless as death danced in the rain of my tears

I watched as my world darkened around me

If I could only pull back the veil

To see the face of loved ones lost

To have a moment of peace

Seeing the love in their eyes

To say our last goodbyes

Yet still denied by the purveyors of the night

I fold myself up and slowly die a little more inside

Waiting for a sign I pray that may never come

To know that you are never far away from me

I first want to say thank you for all the love and supportive messages. There are just no words for how I feel anymore. Life goes on and somehow we are all managing to put one foot in front of the other. I guess you can say I’m in denial, I still can’t believe she’s gone. Even seeing her at the wake and before the church services, it wasn’t real. I had my moments at the wake when it was just us kids and my dad and then when everyone came it was like I was there for someone else, not my mom.

The hard moments are when I wake up and tell myself I need to call and check on mom, and I realize i can’t. I was in the supermarket thinking “oh I gotta call mom and ask her how to make this” and it hit me, I can’t. I went back to work on Thursday, I hated it. Forget about the piles waiting for me, it was everyone watching me waiting for me to break. I know people mean well asking over and over how are you doing, ugh I can’t deal with being asked. It’s constant, never ending and I know they mean well at work but I’m beginning to feel cornered. I just need to breathe to feel like I can try and get back to normal. It feels selfish of me to want to tell people to back off at work, but I’m getting close. I don’t even want to sit in the lunch room because I can’t relax.

But what I really want is my mom. She was too young, it wasn’t fair. She was still recovering from her heart bypass and then this. We had plans, and she had so much life in her. I blame the hospital, the shitty care they gave her, how they took their sweet time and their lack of compassion. They stole her from us and I’m planning on a return visit to them. I wont scream or curse, but I will thank them for their lack of compassion and care for my mom, and wish upon each of the nurses, aids and doctors that when their time comes that they have someone just like them help steal their lives from them and their family. Just like they did to us.

For now it;s all I can do but hold on to the hope that my mom is at peace and is in heaven and that we will all be together again. But I can’t help but need to know now that she’s okay. I just have to hold onto the memories, and keep her alive in me. It just hurts, and at times I just don’t know how to breathe.

My heart is heavier than I could ever imagine. I never thought it could hurt so much. Tonight I lost my mom. It shouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t make any sense. I thought writing it here would help, but I waver between being numb to crying so hard I cant breathe. I don’t understand, I just saw her hours earlier and she was fine. I thought she was getting stronger, I was resolved she would make a full recovery. She looked good, she ate she spoke, we talked. And then she’s gone. It hurts that everyone else was called back to the hospital and I am here at home without my family. Tomorrow I will be with them, but it still won’t make sense. I know we lose loved ones every day, it’s a part of life. But this isn’t the life we envisioned for her. She deserved so much more. I can only hope she knows how much I love her and hope much she means to me and how much I will miss her. If I could take years off my life to bring her back I would. Because no one was better, no one had a better heart, no one gave more.

I love you mommy I hope you know that, I just don’t know how to not have you in my life anymore.

So surgery was uneventful, which is a good thing. I do feel better and walk almost 100% better (almost no limping) but I do still have pain and/or discomfort. My back in particular is killing me from the epidural. UGH! A week after surgery the pain took my breath away, it definitely wasn’t any fun. I’m driving again and I’m back to work full time although the recent weeks with the weather has shut the company down (yay!!!) I am pretty much back in the groove.

I’m just feeling exhausted. I don’t know if it’s from all the sleeping I did while recouping or it’s something else. I see the surgeon next week to get my PT orders and hopefully I’ll be able to have more use of my leg so I can speed up my recovery. I’m just looking forward to feeling normal again..lol

I know I know it’s been forever and a day since I’ve been here. But life as always seems to be getting away from me. I’ve been busting my hump at work trying to make sure I’m ahead of the game, never happens, to be ready to be off for the week. I spent the weekend cleaning and getting my guest room ready because after tomorrow I wont be able to do much of anything. Thats right as of tomorrow I am having my knee surgery tomorrow! FINALLY!!! Can I just say how overjoyed and excited I am? LOL no really I am so happy to finally do this. This means I get my life back, I can feel better. I can go back to doing the things I used to do. Not to mention the relief from pain and hopefully finally sleeping through the night.

Yes I know I have a few months ahead of me with physical therapy and recovery, but it’s a new beginning. With all that I have had to go through recently at work with a manager who I thought was a friend, and other bs at home, I am happy to see this come to fruition. I’ll update later on the crap at work and home, yes the drama continues.

So for now I will wish you all a good night and a Happy New Year. I promise to try my best to update within a week or two.

We never realize it, until the damage is done. We look outside and blame the schools, the kids and the teachers. But in truth the bullying can start at the very place you are supposed to be safe…home. At least for me, it is the one place I’ve been bullied. I was picked on and pushed around by my siblings. Nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents. I was the middle child and frequently left behind. If I got a 96 on a test my father would say you could have gotten a 98, I didn’t clean well enough for my mother, and she would make me redo it. My parents would say I was too sensitive and a cry baby, and maybe I was. But all I knew was that I felt deeply, and one thing always stood out I never felt I belonged. I was too fat, too tom boyish, I talked too much, I laughed too loud, nothing I did was ever right. I was laughed at and made to feel so small. I don’t believe they meant to make me feel this way. Maybe my parents thought they could toughen me up, instead it broke me down. I didn’t see the pretty little girl in the mirror. I only saw the child who was too chubby, who whined and felt like it was all my fault. My parents would constantly fight and out of all my siblings (there were 4 of us) I was the one they would pull to tell what was wrong with the other, and in some way made to feel as if this was all my fault. That if I never existed or had been born they wouldn’t be together and they would be happier.

So in turn I hated myself. And as much as I hate to admit at 41 years of age, I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. I look into the eyes of a pathetic woman who let life pass her by. A woman who had so much to offer and didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I did and I can’t see it, maybe I ventured further than I ever could and I can’t recognize it. Maybe because all I hear are the voices of my past in my head telling I can’t do this or that, that I’m not good enough, pretty enough or smart enough. That no one would find me worthy enough for anything.

Could it be this is why I chose the man I did to marry? Someone who doesn’t help me or stand in my corner cheering me on? It’s not to say I don’t have my own champions in life, I do. My younger sister and I are closer than we have ever been, she is truly my best friend. She believes in me and wants the best for me. Though at times she may not realize it but her words of encouragement can be like a knife slicing through my heart. I am not her. I am not as fearless as I pretend to be. I don’t think I ever will be.

I look back and see how I became the tough guy in school, I fought for the underdog, Heaven helped you if you thought you could pick on someone weaker, because you would have to deal with me. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder, I still do. But when I am home, it’s different. I let the words get to me, I let them hurt me. But worst of all I have become my own worst bully. I look in the mirror criticizing everything about myself. I think back and I realize now I’ve never known what it is to love myself. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t have a child, maybe I would have continued the cycle and bullied my own child. Beating her down, belittling her making her feel worthless.

I see now the reasons why I’ve made some of the choices I have made, I allowed their words to hurt me. And in turn I held those words close and said them to myself when I was alone in the dark. I know I have to break this cycle, but I don’t know how to love myself. I know how to protect others, to pull them out of their own despair, but how do I do this for myself? How do I learn to love myself, forgive myself and move on?

I don’t have answers but knowing the truth of my beginnings and where it all started I can only hope I can find a way out of this darkness I have kept myself in,

You would think after paying for a year’s subscription I would be around a lot more. It’s guess it’s been a trying time, between my parents health issues and then losing my baby girl Muneca. I still miss her like crazy but I’m not falling apart. I have noticed my lack of drive and my need to remain distant. I know that’s not the best thing but I guess I need time. I’ve had no fire in me to write and a part of me has felt so reluctant to share myself at all. But I have to keep moving, I still have my lil man at home and I don’t want this to affect him either, or at least not anymore.

So after everything I finally made time to go back for my second visit with my ortho surgeon. And finally I am having surgery! The date has been set, January 14th. He will be removing my plica and resurfacing the back of my patella. I am so relieved to see this all coming to an end. My life has been stagnant and feeling trapped is making it worse. I’ve had people look at me strangely about being excited to have surgery, but they don’t understand I’ve been in pain every day since April 5, 2012. I’m done! I was originally scheduled for Dec 17th but my ahole manager had me change it. My other manager was pissed as he felt it was perfect timing, see my job is closed on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as well as New Years Eve and New Years Day. He thought perfect as I wont come back to work to a full week and would be able to recoup better that way. But now I have to wait out another month in pain and go back the following week to a full work week. And since I’ll be getting a ride with a coworker I wont be able to just leave early if I’m not feeling good. Really sucks. Lately this manager has become more and more of an ass, so I’m not as friendly with him anymore.

Then I hear that Stone Sour & Pop Evil are coming to NYC Jan 17th! That really pissed me off, but I’m going anyway. I called and got my tickets, I just can’t be in the crowd rocking out, I’ll be in the handicapped section in a seat. But hey I’m still going, if I could show up to see Shinedown with bronchial pnuemonia I can see Stone Sour 4 days after my surgery. LOL. There’s very few things that make me feel alive, dancing, sex, horseback riding and live shows. So since I’m still not having sex (yes I am still married ) and I can’t dance or go riding due to my knee the only thing I have left is a rock show. speaking of rock shows…we went to see Halestorm last Friday night. Love love love them! I saw them the first time they ever played in NYC and now they are just killing it! So I was hoping to meet them but now that they are a Grammy Award winning rock band it’s near impossible. So we all know I make beaded bracelets and have a “rock collection”, so I showed up with bracelets for the the guys and the lead singer. I was able to give them to a family member after the show. I have been waiting to see anything on their twitter feed or facebook page, but nothing. So I reached out via twitter to Joe (lead guitarist) and Lzzy (lead singer). Joe responded saying he was wearing his and thanking me for them! So when I messaged him back I noticed he changed his profile pic, I checked and its him on stage jamming wearing my beads! To say the least I am over the moon. I mean my beads are being worn on stage by Grammy Winning Artists! So now I’m on a mission to hopefully get some on Corey Taylor and the lead singer of Pop Evil (who is hot by the way).

So that’s it in a nutshell. I’m hoping my spell of gloom and depression has come to an end and I can look forward to a better new year because this year has really really sucked! Hope everyone had a nice Thanskgiving. I hope I get back her before Christmas if not, hope its a merry one for everyone!

With each moment that passes a piece of me vanishes

I know not where it goes

Just that the hollow within me grows

Suffocating every emotion

Wrenching sobs from my heart

Harder and harder it is to breathe

I lay motionless now

Hoping the nothingness will finally swallow me whole

To end the grief and it’s pain

To stop the torture I am dealt every day

The memories and the dreams

Now have all but faded away

Leaving behind a hardened shell

A ghost of who I should have been

I feel so lost
Alone and empty
The pain of the loss is too great some days
I don’t know how to breathe
Forcing myself to make it from one moment to another
I reach for you and imagine you are here
That I can hear your voice whispering in my ear
Imagining your arms around me as you sing me to sleep
And I hurt that much more
Knowing what can never be
The pain is too great to bear
And I often crumble beneath it
I pretend to be strong
Yet I feel like I’m dying inside
Each day the void within me continues to grow
Taking more of me as it does
What will be left of the girl you once knew
The woman you claimed to have loved
Was it all a lie
It must have been
Because you are still not here to hold me when I cry

It’s been a very long two weeks and I feel as if there is no end in sight for me. Where do I begin, I guess at the beginning….

Two weeks ago my father went in for a triple bypass. It was something we were expecting as it had been planned. He’s been in pretty good shape and he was having one of the best doctors in NY perform the surgery. Needless to say it was long day of waiting to see him once surgery was over and having to deal with his nasty side of the family. My siblings and I, along with my mother waited until he was awake enough to have the intubation tube removed and he was able to talk. Then began the long hours of driving from the island to the city to sit and visit through the day and night. Not that I minded at all, this is my dad and there was no place else I wanted to be. You could tell he was loving having us there and lavishing all our attention on him. On the third day before he was moved from ICU to step down my mom had a heart attack in his room. She was rushed to the ER where I stayed with her until we had her admitted. Needless to say the following day after a stress test and an angiogram she was slotted to have a bypass surgery that Monday.

At this point I was spending every day at the hospital dividing my time between both parents. The nurses were all amazed and the nurses joked with us that our parents were famous because the whole cardiac unit knew about them. Dad was gratefully sent home on Saturday and we ended up concentrating on keeping mom’s spirits up. Throughout all this my cat had suddenly taken a turn for the worst and I knew what had to be done. I called my vet who wasn’t in till the following week and let her receptionist convince me to wait to see her, hoping that she might be able to work with me in treating my cat’s diabetes. I knew deep down that it was too late, but I held onto hope that we could wait out the week till she got back.

Mom had her surgery last Monday, and ended up having 5 bypass. With her diabetes her recovery took much longer. To give my dad peace of mind I stayed at by her bedside in the ICU until her intubation tube was pulled, I didn’t leave till 2 am. I ended up not going to work in the morning as I was too exhausted, and made my way back later in the morning to the hospital. My heart ached as I felt horrible about not being home to spend time with my own fur babies, but then again I knew my mom needed me, and as her proxy I needed to be there. Once again the week continued and the back and forth dragged on. Mom recovered slowly and finally went home on Friday. Thankfully my sister stepped in and brought her home as I had now come down with a bad cold which turned into bronchitis. That Friday as I turned into bed I went into the back room to kiss my cat goodnight. I knew it as looking bad and told myself I couldn’t wait any longer. For the first time all week she hadn’t eaten, her color was still good and she was hydrated and alert. But I felt it in my heart I had to say goodbye. I kissed her good night and told her she could be with Brindle now (my pity who I lost several years earlier who she grew up with and loved). I never realized it was the last time I would kiss my mommy girl good night.

I was awakened that morning to my husband yelling I think Mookie’s gone! I ran out of bed to find her laying out on the floor off her bed. What struck me was that her eyes were open and her front leg out as if she was moving forward. She no longer looked 16, but half her age. My kitten was gone and all I could do was cry. I wrapped her up and placed her favorite toys in a bag with her and brought in my dog to say good bye. I uncovered her face and he sniffed her paws and her face, jumped into my lap and frantically licked my face. I could do nothing but sob. My husband drove us to the vet where they allowed us some more time while they prepared her paperwork before they took her away from me for good. They were able to get an ink pad to get a paw print for me for a tattoo I had been wanting to get.

I know I should be grateful for the 16 years we had together, the love we shared together and all the many special moments that were just ours. I knew this day was coming but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. She was my bottle baby, I was her mom. I had since she was found at two weeks and bottle fed her and cared for her as if she was a child. And to me she will always be my little girl, my daughter. We shared our mommy and me time every night, which is the hardest part of my day to get through. We would either sit in the arm chair with her on my lap, or curl up in bed with her petting me and me petting her back. She’d greet me at the front door like a dog, come when called and was forever my shadow. To say her loss is great is putting it mildly. Now I know there are people who can’t understand this loss I feel, maybe they don’t love animals, or never had a special connection to someone in all their lives. To say she was just a cat is an insult because she was so much more. She saved my family from a house fire by waking me up and alerting me to the fire. She saved me again when my depression was so bad I had more than entertained the thought of suicide. It was the idea of leaving her behind that I couldn’t bear so I never did.

I have my moments when I am home alone at night and cry over the fact that I will never see her pretty face, or hear her little meows that called for petting, treats or plain attention. I don’t look forward to picking up her ashes as it will hit me even harder that she is really gone, right now I go back and forth from exhaustion to being numb, and I dread the day when my cold is gone and I can truly feel everything.

For now I will hold onto our memories and my Monster who has stayed by my side through it all. I know one day I will see her again, I just pray I see her sooner in a dream to know she is okay and waiting for me one day.

Sweet dreams my pretty little girl….

Muneca aka Mookie 8/29/87-9/28/13