I hate how I miss you

And how I wonder if you think about me now that I’m gone

Do you think back on the days we spent laughing

Teasing each other about our dreams

Do you remember the nights we filled with such passion

The way we kissed and how you would make me plead for more

I can’t believe how willingly I walked away

Left only with the stories I retell myself each night before I go to bed

I hate that I wonder if you have things that remind you of me

Of the days that have gone by

And wonder if you have someone new

Can she fill the space that I once occupied next to you

Now here I sit in the stillness of the night

My tears falling in an endless cascade down my face

It’s amazing the way I let you go without a whimper

Yet I scream and rage inside

This life I made is filled with much regret 

And at times I am afraid to live my life as it should have been

Yet I don’t think back to could have been

Or the what if’s, if we had stayed together that day

Instead I will always wonder 

If you still remember me now that I am gone….

 

Desperate and alone

I replay those moments over in my mind

Like a never ending loop on a movie reel

The growing ache is slowly tearing me apart

I reach out into the night but you’re no longer there

And all I can feel is the cold air wrapping herself around my skin

Teasing me, laughing at me in all my misery

Leaving me to fall to my knees

Coming completely unraveled by the sound of my own silent screams 

Who will save me now when I’ve come undone

And in the stillness that follows the winds as she retreats into the night

I hear her calling out to me one last time 

                                                                    ….No one

 

 

 

 

Since I most definitely wont be on tomorrow I wanted to wish everyone a very Happy Turkey Day.  I hope that everyone takes a moment to look around and take in their life and see all the good that is there.  That for just one day we thank the people who are here and those who are no longer with us.  For the small things we take for granted, for the gift of those who have briefly touched our lives and for the lessons, whether they be good or bad, have taught us and shaped us into who we are today.  As I look around I realize how blessed I am, and how rich I am.  And no not in the sense of monetary value (I wish..lol) but in that the few friends I know I can count on, the family that I am close to, my job, my home, the fact that I can provide for myself, and for the loves of my lives (my cat and dog).  

I know this is coming off sappy but after what has happened over the past few weeks with Hurricane Sandy and seeing with my own eyes the loss and destruction, and the miracle of people making it through and helping each other, I can’t help but feel overcome with emotion.  It’s not always easy when you’ve lost a lot, or been put through so much, you get lost in the darkness and there are times you want so much to give up the fight and let go but you don’t.  And it’s the little things that keep you in the fight that I am most grateful for.

I am proud of the person I am, even when I make the wrong choice

I am proud of the country I live in and I will not allow anyone to put her down.

I am grateful for my younger sister who is truly my biggest fan and bestest friend in the world.

I am grateful for my niece who found the courage to prompt her mother to make amends and make our family whole.

I am grateful for the online support I have found here and those I can actually call my friend.

I could go on and on, but I wont bore you all.  But I will ask that whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not that you take the time to reflect and remember the good times and bad.  The milestones you’ve made along the way whether they are big or small.  To be thankful for the mistakes you’ve made, and the will to make it through the other side.  To just take in life and remember that you are alive and to take a hold of the moment and live it, really live it and never ever forget to dream big.

And with that I wish you all a very very Happy Thanksgiving!

So as my sister and I are discussing back and forth via messenger on our Thanksgiving menu I ask her about how is actually coming for dinner.  Specifically I ask her about her husband’s friend who I happened to have gone to grade school with (he was a year behind) and his sister who I used to be very good friends with but lost touch with over the years.  We’ll call this friend Robert and his sister Cindy.  So my sister confirms that Robert will be there, which is great because he’s funny and always lightens up the room.  Last time I had seen him he told me confidentially that his sister was getting a divorce and was already pregnant with her first child with the new man she had been dating.  I had assumed that whatever drove Cindy to divorce must have been big as she was one of those God fearing people who was a devote catholic.  It was supposed to be a big secret that she was pregnant because her divorce wasn’t finalized, for me it was so out of character with the girl I knew, but then again it had been years and people do change.

Long story short, I was curious to know if she had had the baby, and if she and her new boyfriend ever get married.  And then I was given the shock of a lifetime.  My friend, my meek and passive friend who was terrified to break and rules in school, is in jail for attempted murder of her 5 month old son.  I am in shock!  I looked back online and did some investigating and found a news article about it stating she had strangled her baby and for all purposes killed her son.  By the grace of God her boyfriend came home in time to revive the baby.  So she’s been in jail now since May, and the prosecutor is saying she is suffering from severe postpartum depression.  So why she’s in jail and not in a mental institution is beyond me.  She needs serious help and medication, now i hear that apparently another well kept secret is that mental illness runs in the family.  What makes it all worse is that she is not showing remorse for what she did!  

It’s just sad, and I have to say I am having a hard time processing this whole idea of this innocent and overtly shy young girl wanting to kill her only child.  I feel so bad for Robert, her brother.  He’s now left with no family here in the states.  Their mother abandoned them when they were young children, and then after high school their father took off on them and took everything in the apt with him (both parents have since passed away).  They went back to Ecuador for a couple of years and then came back to finish college.  She worked as a registered nurse in the city up until her arrest, which doesn’t surprise me with how smart and kind she was deep down inside.  I try looking back now and try to think of any time she could have possibly shown any early signs of problems.  Could the abandonment of her mother and father, the strict Catholic upbringing, whatever happened with her ex husband and maybe her feelings on her new relationship and being involved so soon and getting pregnant tipped the scales to crazy town?  Could this have pushed her over the edge and made her snap?

What gets me most is that now this poor baby will grow up without his mother, only knowing his mother tried to kill him.  I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  My can only hope that she gets the help that she needs, she is truly disturbed and if she cannot get well then maybe being behind bars is where she needs to stay.  I guess it just proves you can never truly know someone, and that anyone is capable of the most horrendous acts known to mankind.

 

 

Last week I had posted a response of my own answers to a sex survey post that I was given as a Dare.  Once more I have been challenged again, by none other than the talented @Bond_of_Morpheus, to go even deeper into my specific tastes.  And if you dare to share, please tag me I would love to know the answers to your own.

 

What is your favorite spot to be touched when you are fully clothed?

 My neck, and my hair to be stroked

What safe words have you had in the past? Which one did you use most?

I only ever had one “Mercy” 

Have you ever participated in self bondage?

No I haven’t never really thought about it 

Have you ever switched?

I’ve tried, the first time was with another sub, but he was so submissive it was a turn off. The second time was with my Master, it was out of the blue and I was still too unsure learning my own role that I didn’t take charge enough, though I think with the right person I would try it again 

Which kind of restraints suit you best? (Cable ties/zip ties, steel double locking handcuffs, play handcuffs, buckling padded cuffs.)

Soft ropes (the kind they use for sailing) Handcuffs are ok as long as they are not locked down too tight, though I’ve always wanted to try the padded cuffs 

Which tool do you prefer? (Hand, leather paddle, riding crop, flogger, wooden paddle, belt.)

Hand, most definitely the hand, though not opposed to a flogger or a belt 

Do you prefer to be tied up (hands above head) or tied down (hands behind back or tied up laying down)?

 Hmmm I would say above my head but also being tied while I was laying down

 Blindfold, gag, both, or neither?

Blindfold, gags freak me out as long as they are not stuffing a wad of cloth into my mouth or using a ball gag

 What position have you enjoyed more than any other?

 Doggie style for full penetration, but there are times I crave missionary for more intimacy

Would you consider having multiple partners dominate (or submit to) you at once?

I’m a one man woman..sorry to disappoint but I don’t share nor do I want to be shared 

Do you enjoy verbal dominance? (Being called a dirty little submissive slut and other dirty talk.)

Oh yes, I feed off it.  as long as it’s not calling me stupid worthless etc, I am all in, it just makes me that much hotter in the moment

Have you ever (or would you like to) have an outdoor scene? (In nature, not necessarily public.)

I would say it would depend on the scene and it most definitely must be private 

Have you (or would you enjoy) being taken out on a lead? (Leash and collar.)

I’ve enjoyed being led around on a leash inside, I could see doing it if perhaps I was at a club scene  

What is your favorite type of pain? (Stinging, burning, thumping.)

That red stinging feeling you get after being flogged or strapped, or even spanked with a real firm hand, the red hotness that makes it difficult to sit down.  I if my man has a nice girth the delicious feeling of soreness of being stretched

What is your favorite type of pleasure? (Kissing, intercourse, oral, giving, receiving, pain.)

Being that it’s been so long, I would take anything, but I must say one of my favorite moments after scene with my Master in the past would be when I was exhausted and sore, and pushed to my limits, then allowed to climax over and over to fall into his awaiting arms and sob, to have him hold me and kiss me tenderly telling me what a good girl I had been for him and how happy I made him.  To feel his hands gently caress the red marks or welts that he made on my ass and the back of my thighs and kiss them as if each one stood as a testament to how committed I was to him and was willing to allow him to mark me this way. 

Have you ever enjoyed being smacked in the face?

No, and that I would draw the line 

What sexual act do you feel you are best at?

 Hmmm, that’s tough because I never was called out on anything, but that’s not to say I was the best but just enough to give pleasure, so I would have to say the actual act of intercourse, as I am usually very willing to be put into many different positions and try new things

Do you have a specific fetish? (Explain.)

Other than having my ass and pussy spanked, it would be wearing my collar.  For me it never truly began until he placed the collar around my neck  

Do you get excited when you are a little bit afraid?

If I had been asked this question before some unfortunate events I would say yes, now for me it’s all about the sense of security and knowing my trust will not be broken

So I’ve been inspired to blog about this do to not only what happened to me last year but also some other unfortunate events that happened to another friend recently.  Basically Catfish the movie is a true story of this guy who meets this young girl online and becomes friends, eventually becoming friends with her mom, and her sister online.  And as the story goes ends up in an online relationship with the older sister and falls for her.  Eventually he tries to find them and realizes as he starts digging that this was all one big lie.  Wow shocker right?!  Yeah well from what I’ve seen since the internet started people have been lying about who they are, and have even gone so far as to create multiple personalities to “prove” they are real.  I can barely keep up on my own facebook page let alone run my bracelet page online and blog.  People seriously need to get a hobby.

So now they have come out with a TV show, so not only did this guy and his film making friends make a fortune off of his betrayal and heart break but now they get to help people see who the real person is behind the “screen” is.  I think it’s genius, but more so it should serve as a lesson to the rest of us that put stock into people too easily.  I for one fell for it once, completely.  Then almost again but pulled myself back as I started to see warning signs.  Has it made me more withdrawn, definitely.  And that may not be a bad thing.  It’s just sad that I am reluctant to let people in too far.  As far as I am concerned with blogging here I have no issues laying it out there and speaking the truth on my life.  With the exception of one real life friend who is rarely if ever on, no one would know whether or not to take what I say as the truth.  And not that I can blame them considering the deception that happens so easily here.  

Maybe it’s made me even more cynical, and that I have rebuilt walls even higher than they were.  But that’s only to protect myself from the liars and fakes that run around playing games and messing with people’s lives.  It’s a wonder anyone is ever cordial to anyone anymore.  Even in real life.  You just never know who it is behind that mask, or in our case here, behind that blog.  Especially when people are constantly changing and reappearing over and over as a different person.  Taking on new personas trying to fool the masses.  Now I know there are a few people who have a private blog and then have a public blog for their own reasons.  But you have to start to wonder about the ones who manage several different ones at a time or keep shutting down to pop up as someone new.  Where do they get the time?  How do they keep their lies straight?  Hell I’m no angel, I can lie with the best of them but I usually always get caught because I’m no good at keeping the lie going or remembering it down the road.  My life is too hectic to be bothered with wasting what little grey matter I have on the inconsequentials.  

Either way it’s just one big FUBAR.  And the people who do play these games need some serious psychological care and medication.  I know I am not the only person who has been duped, nor will I be the last.  But I do believe in Karma.  And payback is a real bitch!  But either way I know who I am, and who I am not.  I am a real person, and to those fucking around playing games and getting their kicks off of it, or just doing it for the attention you really need to grow the fuck up.  

So as you wander around the great universe called the internet, keep in mind to take it with a grain of salt.  I’m not saying that everyone out there is a fake, or just there to mess with your mind and heart for kicks, because there are some really amazing people to be met along the way.  But to be cautious with who you let into your life.  They can only hurt you if you let them.  And even when it’s hard to let go, you have to remember that memory that made you smile and that the person you miss so much that it breaks your heart just a little more each time you think of them.  Remember it’s ok to digress and mourn the loss, as long as you remember you mourn the loss of your trust, your time and hope of that special person you once thought they were.  

And if you haven’t watched Catfish the movie, you should!

So I’ve been dared by @RushmoreJ to fill out his survey…so buckle up bitches, lol.  It’s going to be a ride  (yes I have very explicit tastes…and it’s been too long since I’ve been able to scratch that itch.

 

1) What do you consider your first sexual experience to be?

getting to third base in my junior year of high school in a cemetary

2) What is the sexiest thing you’ve ever worn in public?

hmm that would either be the knit bra top I’d wear to the clubs under a cropped blazer (oh yes so early 90′s) or the black skinny jeans with the see thru green mesh top I wore to Hell Fire

3) What is the sexiest surprise you have ever given someone?

Opened the door only wearing a pearl collar

4) What is your favorite scene from a porn video or story?

Would have to be in the first book of the Sleeping Beauty trilogy when the Prince held Sleeping Beauty captive in his bedroom…yum 

5) Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? 

Nope, not even close

6) Had sex in a public place?

LOL yes,the riskiest was in the driveway of my parents house in the car

7) Have you ever had anal sex?

Yes, but I am very very picky who I allowed to go there

8) Have you ever had a rim job? Given one?

Yes and yes

9) Are you in a relationship now?

Yes (a very unsatisfying one)

10) What is your partner’s sexual fantasy?

Who knows, he’s only into his motorcycles nowadays, but even when we were intimate he was very vanilla

11) Do you prefer to orgasm before or after your partner? 

Considering how selfish he is, I preferred to come before him, if he came first I was shit out of luck

12) How often do you masturbate?

Depending on my mood, weekly to several times a week (Sunday 3x)

13) Have you ever had cyber or phone sex?

Both, but I much prefer the real thing, doesn’t do much for me

14) When you masturbate do you think of a specific person, celebrity or friend?

Never a celebrity (would never happen), usually a specific person or a character out of a story

15) What is on your sexual Bucket list?

To be spanked until I orgasm

To be taken captive and held as a sex slave (of course all consensual) and be leashed to the bed

To be tied and blindfolded and be fully taken advantage of by my partner

I’ve always imagined of a two on one (of course me being the only female), I’ve actually been propositioned this but I was too scared to try way back then

 

 

My uncle sent me this link and I have to admit I jumped a few times at the impact.  OUCH!

 

I can’t breathe

And it’s all I can do to keep from screaming your name

In the deepest parts of my soul

I find myself still wanting you

Fighting that rational side of me

Telling myself over and over how you are no good for me

But my body feels as if it’s dying

In need of something only you can give me

Aching in places I cannot see

In depths beyond my reach

Needing you to fill my soul

Making me whole

Begging for your endless caresses

Your tender kisses

Knowing your flesh upon my own once more

Claiming me like never before

I crave you like an addict craves her fix

That’s what you’ve become to me

My drug of choice

And for that I am so close to selling my soul

To feed that need I have deep inside of me

Instead it’s panic that I feel

Eating me from the inside out

Laughing at me as I cry out your name

No matter how I try

I could never satisfy that need I hide

Ashamed of my weakness

I know now I am still addicted to the one man I should be running from 

 

This is just madness!!! Not only did we just come through a devastating storm AKA Hurricane Sandy now we are in the grips or a nor’easter. It’s snowing! I mean really? Haven’t we been through enough? I’m lucky enough to have my heat and power back but there are still so many people without. I have let my friends and coworkers know that my door is open, but so far everyone either has a place to stay already or is sticking it out in their homes. They’ve issued another mandatory evacuation which is ends only 2 blocks away from me. It’s scary and sad. It’s just another delay from people getting power and getting back into their homes.

Gas lines are still a bit crazy but not as bad. Hoping that as more stations get power and gas trucks make more deliveries the less likely the need to wait an hour or two for gas. The supermarkets are slowly restocking food. I have to admit it was sureal walking through last week after driving past the devastation that the storm left in its wake, to roam dimly lit aisles with almost no food on the shelves. I was half expecting zombies to be around the corner. Yeah I have a crazy imagination. And now a huge earthquake in Guatemala? Maybe the Mayans were right after all.