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  • Checking in and a few rants

    It’s been a while since I’ve been here.  Between the beading business and regular work I’ve been keeping busy and have been exhausted.  Still nothing new yet on my knee, still in a lot of pain and now I have to have another MRI and a bone scan this week to determine the next course of action.  I’m waiting to see what my surgeon says after these tests and then I will move on to the Hospital for Special Surgery in NYC.  The idea of wasting away another summer is depressing so I need to get more aggressive with these guys.  

    I’ve been trying to write and I have lots of lines floating around my head, but for whatever reason I just cannot grasp it.  Its frustrating because I really want to hone my craft and not being able to have the focus to write is pissing me off.

    Spent last Friday with my sister in the city, we had a hair appt but I got to first hang out at her job and meet some of the ladies and bring them samples from my bracelet line.  It was a hit and a much needed boost for me.  I’m so excited about the new pieces I’ve done in the past couple of weeks and the new stuff that is coming in soon for all new pieces.  The girls now want to host a party after work and have me come back with more stuff when everyone is there to showcase my stuff and work on custom pieces.  It makes me feel humbled that they really do love them.

    Still working on my logo, and tweaking it with a graphic artist.  Who knew it would be so time consuming and hard to decide what I like best?!  lol  And then it’s on to an actual website and no more Etsy!!!

    I ran into a guy I used to have a secret crush on, can I just say wow!  In the last 6 months since I’ve seen him he’s gained a lot of weight.  It really threw me off, he was always so into physical fitness and now it looks like he’s keeping up with his pregnant wife in the weight dept.  Look I am no light weight skinny mini, but to think I felt so awkward around him because I wasn’t “perfect” makes me laugh now.

    I’m absolutely addicted to RuPauls Drag Race!!!  I love me some Queens!  All T no shade!

    I’ve had it with the bs at work, I’m at the end of my rope and over it.  I just want to have surgery and hit the road, it’s time to move on especially if they move my area to expose me to the fumes from the warehouse.  I don’t need to be SEEN!  I just don’t get the whole thing that they want customers and everyone else to see at my desk.  I work thats all that matter, I’m not a show piece to be displayed.  So frustrating!

    Back to the work thing, crazy at work flipped out because I had her manager correct her.  Temper tantrums and bawling at your desk in my opinion are grounds for dismissal or at the very least sent home with a warning.  

    I cannot believe it but I have another crazy woman in my life!  My husband’s friend’s wife is social inept and fucking rude!!!  And had the audacity to disrespect me in my home!  I will have to share the story later but I wont even go to the club house because next time I see her I may put my fist through her face!  I want to wait till they come back over so she can pull the same shit and I can throw her out.

    Sleep sucks, I don’t get enough and when I have a day to sleep in my Pain In The Ass husband thinks its funny to wake me up…I growled at him and almost bit him.  

    I’m obsessed with my dog, lol.  I can’t stand it I just want to eat him up.

    My sister just bought me the hottest new flats since I can’t wear heels yet.  I want them in every color now, I can’t wait to pick them up.  #shoeobsession!

    I must confess I watch Idol and The Voice, man I miss singing.  I do sing but in the privacy of my own car.  Damaged vocal chords don’t make for sweet harmonies…eek!

     

    Ok so that’s all my ranting for now, I’m exhausted and having brain farts so if I continue I most definitely wont make sense.  I hopefully wont disappear for too long again, I miss everyone and reading their blogs, getting lost in other’s lives is what I love to do.  

    As my friend Karen likes to say Ciao!!!  (I think I spelled that right…lol)

  • Moving on

    Well the cortisone injection has not helped and there is still a lot of pain and swelling.  So now I’m just waiting for my insurance to give me approval to go back to my surgeon so we can sit down and discuss how we move forward.  It’s frustrating but I feel like there will be an end in site and I hope soon.  I really don’t want to miss out on another summer.  I’m nervous my insurance company will give me issues now that no fault has dropped me.  My lawyer has advised me when cannot fight no fault because if we lose in the decision to reopen my case to continue coverage I would lose everything.  Not for nothing but I’m not willing to lose out on whatever I can get.  For all I’ve been through you best be believe I am collecting…lol.

    I’ve been thinking more and more about my future and what I want out of it.  Yes I may be 40 now but I need to really rethink where I am.  I’ve been unhappy at my work place for a while.  Crazy bitch upstairs continues to get away with everything and I am constantly having to prove myself to be a good employee.  Frankly I’m over it.  I know everyone is replaceable but you know what, they would definitely miss me when I leave.  I am thinking more and more about looking for a new place to go.  I am going to wait until after everything with my knee is resolved as I don’t want to have any issues with a new place.  But since I am getting older I need to make sure that I find something within the next year before companies feel as if I am too old to be hired.  With my company now I have jumped through every hoop and have bent over backwards to be able to maintain peace with this crazy bitch.  I have had to make so many accommodations and now they are fucking with me yet again.  See they want to move my desk, I am to be placed by a window near the doorway in the engineering room.  I already had a conversation with the VP about this.  Because I work on the 1st floor with the machines I am subjected to the fumes that come from them when they run as well as when they run the forklift.  It becomes unbearable and it triggers my asthma, since the remodel and my desk was moved to the back corner cubicle my attacks are nil and I am no where as sick with upper respiratory as I used to be.  So now yet again I am hearing that my move has been brought back up on the table.  I’ve made up my mind, if they move me I’m quitting.  I’m tired of being messed with by this one particular manager who continues to try and deflect the negativity from his crazy bitch to me.  It’s completely unfounded and my managers plus the VP’s right hand has fought against all of it because they know my worth.  But for me this is the last straw.  If my health is not a concern then I can no longer stay.  

    So it got me thinking after being completely stressed out, upset and furious.  I need to get everything together that I need to so I can start looking for a new place to lay down roots.  I’ve also found a new spark in myself to move forward with my jewelry line.  I’ve been working with a graphic artist on a logo and some really incredible designs as well as a new line of wrap bracelets (chan luu style).  I really want to take it to the next level, and hopefully this summer I will be working on opening my own website store and stepping away from etsy itself.  But that’s not the only thing I have in mind.  I want to move forward with my writing, I’ve had a completely new story bouncing around my head that I want to work on.  I made the decision to come off the antidepressants as I feel like it’s been a big hindrance in my writing and I feel as if it’s holding me back from pursuing where I need to be.  

    So that’s it in a nutshell.  I’ve included a couple of pics from my new designs coming out.  To keep up on what I do check out my facebook page at facebook.com/wyckdbeads , or my etsy store at etsy.com/wyckdbeads.  I also have a tumbler and instagram account, just look for wyckd beads!  

     

    These bracelets next are being specially made for raising money for the Sandy Hook Memorial Fund

     

    This is one of my Chan Luu bracelets.  It took 3 1/2 hours to make a three wrap.  Was so worth it!

          

     

  • Running in circles

    Where do I begin….It’s just been nonstop aggravation when it comes to my knee and dealing with these insurance doctors.  I finally met with the surgeon on Tuesday, and finally get down to the nitty gritty of it all.  My patella is damaged.  There isn’t much he can do for me, he can go in and do an exploratory, perhaps debride the back of my knee cap and drain the fluid that have been trapped there.  Problem is that because I have not responded well to the cortisone injections if he goes in I have a 50/50 chance of needing to have a knee replacement done within 6 months.  There will be no waiting 15-20 years it will be deemed medically necessary or I’ll end up crippled.  Another option is to replace my patella, with that there is still a chance I will need a full knee replacement but if it takes I can wait on the knee replacement.  If we do nothing but physical therapy I could end up even worse.  To top if all off he feels I am beginning to have issues with my left knee since I am weight bearing only on my left for almost a year now. So if we don’t remedy my right knee soon, I could end up with both knees needing to be done.  Another concern would be how well would I do with the knee replacement, especially being that I am not doing well with the cortisone.

    I couldn’t help it, I ended up bawling my eyes out in the office.  I’m so tired of being tired and being in pain.  I gave in and opted to try one more cortisone injection.  He used the ultrasound to guide it again and used half of what I was given the last time.  I woke up yesterday morning in pain and all my joints were swollen and stiff.  He told me to wait a week and see if the injection helps.  If I am still hurting I have to come back and decisions need to be made.  At this point I think it’s time even with the grim possibilities of the outcome to bite the bullet and at least do an exploratory if not just replace my patella.  I stayed home from work, which was a good thing because I received a call from the medical supplier to come in for a fitting, so now I am wearing a new knee brace.  They said it would help realign my patella and keep it in place while I try and rebuild the muscles.  All I know is that it hurts like a bitch to keep it on, but I’m persevering through it as best as I can.  

    Then I received a call from my lawyer today saying that no-fault has finally dropped me as of the 25th.  I’m beginning to wonder if the doctors were in cahoots to push off surgery until no-fault dropped me so my private insurance steps in to authorize it.  So now I will have to start getting referrals and authorizations and beginning paying out co-payments, which sucks.  The bright side to it is that I can obtain a much better surgeon because my private insurance will give me better coverage and open my options to a representative in my case.

    I still cannot believe that this stupid accident has caused me so much pain and aggravation.  I feel like my world has been on pause too long and I’m afraid the rental will expire before I meet my own end.   *sighs* 

  • Steubenville, the verdict

    In this day and age I still cannot believe how some people still view what we normal people rape as acceptable.  I believe that the verdict in of itself was light, but gratefully they will serve time and the stain of their actions will stay with them forever.  And as such they should.  The sad part of it is that these boys and the countless boys who witnessed what happened as acceptable, all because in their minds she wasn’t “forced” or fighting back.  She wasn’t fighting back because she was unconscious.  Granted this young girl who now has to live the rest of her life slowing piecing back together the fragments of that night when she irresponsibly drank, will live with her own shame and blame.  She may never trust again, and that night has changed who she is forever.  Maybe she will come out of this okay on the other end through support of therapists, family and friends.  Maybe, as in a lot of cases she won’t.  I hope she makes it through.  

    But the bigger problem is what the kids of today are being taught as being “acceptable”.  In my day we drank in excess, and yes we were underage.  Never once in my circle of friends did we leave behind a guy or girl who was in no shape to make good decisions.  We were always smart enough to have a “sober” friend in the group who would keep us corralled.  But even tipsy we applied a buddy system to ensure that our friends and ourselves were safe at all times.  So why didn’t her friends step in and not allow these boys to take her with them?  Not that I am pointing the blame at anyone but at the two boys who ultimately committed the crime, but it could have been stopped.  It wasn’t just her friends who allowed their friend in that state to go off in a car full of boys, it’s the countless bystanders who are just as guilty.  How did they not speak up?  Why did they not step in a stop it?  Or if they were afraid of what would happen to the them for trying to stop it, why not alert an adult to step in?  From what I heard only one person, a former student who was away at school threatened to beat the crap out of his friend when he received a photo and video of what was happening. How did anyone else not realize this was wrong?! Are our kids today so immune to violence that they are desensitized to the situation at hand?  

    I was reading the news last week and saw a photo of both boys sitting in the court room, and they looked so smug and arrogant.  As if they were going to walk out of there with nothing but a scolding.  But in some ways I wonder if they believed themselves to be above the law?  Or did they not truly understand their actions.  The jokes being passed about her being “so raped” shows they in some ways acknowledged what they were doing was wrong.  And their only care when they got caught was being kicked off the football team. A position that provided them with the status of being untouchable.  Even now that they have been sentenced to juvenile detention for a year, do they truly comprehend what they did was wrong?  As one reporter stated “Despite the conviction, the defendants likely don’t view themselves as rapists, at least not the classic sense of a man hiding in the shadows.”  

    What these parents and teachers have failed to instill into these kids is that rape is not about the act of sex, its about power.  And that fateful night two boys felt entitled to flaunt their power over a young girl who in no way shape or form had the power to say no.  

    Our society is broken in so many ways throughout so many layers.  And I feel it is time that we as a society teach our children the right or wrong, to show their actions have consequences, and to not allow the freedoms of an adult to those still mentally and emotionally developing.  

    My only wish is that the kids who were involved, the kids who knew about what was happening (even if they were not present) walk away with a profound lesson. And that society worldwide realizes that without proper guidance these children are our future leaders and that they need to be taught a skill set that will make them a productive member to society.  I can only hope that all involved get help and see the harm in their actions, and that in the future they learn to make better choices for themselves and to always step in to help those who cannot choose for themselves.  And that in other schools and neighborhoods other kids walk away knowing they have the power to say no and that they should say no, and step in and help someone who cannot help themselves. 

  • Untitled…

     

     

    Painful memories linger at the back of my mind

    Nights of love

    Filled with pleasures untold

    Unquestioned trust 

    As I bared my soul

    Naked and honest I gave you my all

    Never doubting the path you led me down

    Until the day came we parted ways

    Like a river driving us further from each other’s side

    I tried my best to stand against the rushing waters

    Frightened by my need for you 

    I saw the life I once beheld burn to ashes before my eyes

    Never realizing that last night you unchained me 

    You had removed me forever from your side

    No tears I shed, no pleas I begged

    Could ever turn you back to me

    Alone and lost in the turmoil in my head

    I have tried too many times to replace what we once had shared

    To only find I had failed time after time

    Unwilling to admit there could never be another to stand in your stead

    As I reach to the naked flesh upon my neck

    A tear rolls down a well traveled path

    Remembering the symbol that had made me yours

    Forever to be divested of the one thing that held you to me

    To remain forever bare in memory of you

     

     

  • Celebrity Rehab.

    Since the announcement of the suicide of Mindy McCready, I have heard a lot of people pointing the blame at the show she was on and the inability of Dr Drew to keep her sober and alive.  While I don’t agree with the exploitation of people in their most vulnerable moments, most are signing up because they need the money or looking to keep their name in the public’s eye, but I do commend them for putting themselves out there.  Addiction is ugly.  There is no if and and’s or but’s about it.  It kills and destroys lives, and not just the person using.  I lost my brother-in-law to his addiction and his depression.  Though not an attempted suicide, he accidentally overdosed on a mixture of drugs and alcohol.  It wasn’t an easy time to go through and we still miss him terribly.  As with many addicts, he had a lot of mental health issues, suffering from bipolar to depression, dealing with the demons of abuse from his past.  Although we all at one point blamed ourselves for not doing more, in the end it was his choice to use knowing full well the chances with his life he was taking.  

    Again while I have mixed feelings of the show itself, I do see the benefits in showing regular people like myself that being famous and dabbling with drugs isn’t as glamorous as we may imagine.  Often times as seen in the program as well as in our own experiences drug and alcohol use is usually the result of someone’s state of mind as to why they started using, and why they stayed using.  It isn’t for Dr Drew nor any other person to make the addict choose to stay clean, to continue in treatment, and seek help when they feel weak.  Nor are they responsible to remind them every day to be honest with themselves.  Unfortunately for most celebrities they surround themselves with too many “yes” people.  These “yes” people will do anything to reap the benefits of being with someone famous and enjoying the perks, so they lie to them, feed them their drugs and keep the people who want to tell the truth at bay.  At least from what I have seen this happens a lot, not just with celebrities but with my own friends and family. It’s not just that, but the stigma of having a mental health diagnosis and needing rehab that not only keep celebrities from pursuing treatment but the average Joe as well.

    I only watched the series once, when Mike Starr was on as I was a huge fan.  And I was heartbroken to see him go from being so healthy and happy to hearing of his death because of his relapse.  Whether we indulge in these shows or not, I guess the lesson to be learned is that addicts are the only ones to be held responsible for their own actions.  Truth of the matter is that most addicts will relapse after rehab.  It’s a daily battle, for the rest of their lives. They have to be willing to completely change their lives and know the limits of what they can handle. But when those changes aren’t made, when they blur the lines with believing they can handle it alone is where most go wrong.  

    I’m no expert, I only can reflect from my own experience in losing loved ones from their addictions.  I just only hope that those who suffer from addiction continue to fight to stay off drugs, work hard in their treatments and are honest within themselves as to how they are feeling and that they need help.  We are not an island unto ourselves.  We need each other, we only need to ask.  I only wish my brother-in-law felt it was okay to ask for help, and let us be there, knowing no matter what we loved him so much.  Now all we have left are memories, and the ache of missing him so very much.

  • Six months later….

    My Entry in the Erotica contest that was hosted by @underlyingdiscontent …. If you haven’t read the other 2 entries you should they were amazing!!!

     

    Funny how life tends to take unexpected turns, and you end up exactly where you don’t want to be but exactly where you need to be.  And here was the only place I could think of being, nothing would change my mind.  I had waited way too long for this day to come.  It felt like forever since I last saw him, it was the first time I had given myself to anyone, fully and completely without question.  I shuddered at the thought of that night so long ago.  In truth it had only been 6 months since he walked into my life and walked away.  Six months of waiting, having to deal with the never ending need he had awakened in me.  The waiting had nearly crushed me, and I thought I would never see him again.  

    I only thought of that precious night that he opened my eyes to who I really was inside.  Who I needed to be.  But most of all I needed to be his.  To feel his presence wrap me up and then make me come completely undone.  I closed my eyes and I felt myself transported back to that night he first claimed me.  I smiled remembering how I thought of myself as a woman who needed no one, who chose her own path and would never be ruled by a man.  Yet here I stand in the same spot he took me six short months ago.  

    My thoughts drifted back off to that fateful night everything changed for me, in me.  The way he stalked me from across the room.  He was nearly 6 ft tall making him stand out in the crowd.  His thick black hair swept back to expose the most piercing green eyes I had every seen.  And that mouth, oh that mouth.  I could think nothing else but of kissing his full lips, biting and sucking on them.  Feeling them linger across my skin.  Little did I know at the moment that I would be so blessed to have the chance to get to know them so well.  Every where I went that night in the club I could see him, and he made sure I saw him watching me.  At first I was unnerved, but then it became a game of hide and seek.  Until I took a wrong turn and found myself alone in one of the “tunnels” the club was famous for.  I must admit I was frightened as he stepped out of the shadows, silent and set in his drive to corner me.  I had tried to step away but he blocked my way and I was trapped.  

    He looked down at me with a smile that shattered every reserve in me, “You look a little lost my sweet little dove.”

    I had tried to step away but he grabbed me by my waist and spun me back to him.  ”Where are you going?  I just found you.”

    Trying to keep from sounding like a frightened little girl I stood still and whispered, “My friends are looking for me.”

    “Trust me no one is looking for you, my companion has your friend preoccupied on the dance floor.  She wont miss you for hours.”

    My breath caught in my throat, and I felt panic take over.

    “Shhh my little dove, you’re safe with me.  I won’t bite, not unless you want me to,” And then he gave me that devastatingly handsome smile again.  Entranced by his smile I barely felt his hand caress my cheek as he wove me into his spell.  

    “Such a pretty little dove, what shall I ever do with you?” he whispered into my ear.

    I started to shake in anticipation.  I should have been afraid, I should have ran screaming down the tunnel.  But I couldn’t move.  Locked in his gaze, I could not move, let alone breathe.  He leaned in and lifted my hair from my neck and lightly kissed and licked the skin from my shoulder up my neck to my ear.  I gasped at the heat of his tongue and melted into his arms.  I could not control myself, this fire that stirred deep inside me.  An ache I had never known, yet one I needed to control before it took over every part of me.

    “Mmm you do taste good.”

    My body began to tremble as I put my hands up to his chest in a feeble attempt to push him off.  All I could feel was the hard muscle of his pecs as they twitched beneath my hands.  I couldn’t stop myself from running them down to his abdomen knowing without a doubt what I would find there.  Abs of Steel my friends and I would have said, but I couldn’t utter a word.  All I knew was that I needed to feel his flesh to know he felt as smooth as I imagined beneath his tight cotton shirt.  As if he read my mind he pulled his shirt up and off tossed it to the side.  God he was chiseled.  His skin glowed with a tan as if he had been kissed by the sun gods themselves.  I ran my hands back up to his pecs noticing his nipples, hard and waiting to be touched.  I traced my fingertip across the rigid nipple and I heard him gasp as I continued to outline one.  So lost I was in caressing the ridges of his nipples, I barely noticed he had backed me up against a wall.

    As my back hit the cold stone wall, I came back to my senses, “I need to go.”

    He grabbed my hand as I tried to pass him, “Not yet querida, it’s my turn.”

    I tried to run but he pushed me back against the wall, leaning down and crushing his mouth against my lips.  I struggled but I could not push him off of me, looking back I think now I never wanted to.  He took hold a fist full of hair and kept my lips against his as his other hand began to wander.  Pushing my shirt up over my breasts, pulling the cup of my bra down to release my taut breast that ached for his touch.  I groaned as I felt his thumb circle my own nipple, hardening it until it nearly maddened me.  His lips pulled away, gently kissing down my neck, down my breast bone, to my eager awaiting breast.  Teasing it with his tongue, sucking it slowly in then nibbling it, all sense of self was gone as he continued to kneed and suckle at my breast.  I felt his hands run down my sides as he bent down.  No, No I shook my head, but I never pushed him off.  Instead I allowed him to run his hands down my legs and then up  my inner thighs beneath my skirt.  I caught my breath as I felt his finger tips trace the outline of the small triangle of cloth covering my quivering lips.  I was so afraid to let him know how much I wanted him, so afraid of letting him touch me so intimately, so afraid of admitting it’s exactly what I wanted from him.

    He pushed my legs apart slightly and ran his finger across the cloth that covered my moistened nether regions.  I should have been ashamed of my wanton behavior, but I could no longer control my need. As I slowly undulated myself against his hand, he snaked a finger under the seam and gently entered the slit and rubbed my wetness from my hole to my sensitive clit.  I nearly bucked in his hand as his pressed and squeezed my clit.  I moaned so loud, needing more.  And then I heard the snap of pocket knife opening bringing back to the reality of what was happening.  I pushed against the wall fear overtaking my senses once more.  

    “Shhh, querida, this is only so I can have more access to you.” And with a quick twist of the knife he cut both sides of my thong and dropped it to the floor.  Closing the knife and placing it back in him pocket he looked back up at me, that smile creeping over those beautiful lips once more.  ”Now” his whispered, “there is nothing to keep me from you”

    Before I could respond he slid two fingers into my slick hole and I bucked against his hand once more.  ”Yes my love, that’s it, ” he whispered to me.  He pushed my legs open just a little further and I could feel the cool air run across my hardening bud

    “Hold on if you must” he said, looking at me, “And scream if you must, no one will hear you now.”

    Before I could figure out what he was doing I felt his hot moist tongue flick itself across my precious nub.  I groaned in ecstasy and found myself rocking against both his plunging fingers and the sweet thick tongue as it tasted and licked every inch of me.  I could feel it building in me this heat, this overflow of need just reaching the precipice.  And then he was gone, I whimpered as I felt his fingers and mouth withdraw.  He stood taking my face in his hands and kissed me fully on the mouth.  I could taste and smell my aroma on his lips.  Turning me on that much more.  

    “You taste exquiste my little dove, but I need more,” he murmured against my lips.  

    Before I could speak he lifted me up against the wall, pushing my skirt over my hips, opening myself to him.  I heard him unzip himself and before I realized it he lowered me onto his shaft.  I gasped at his girth, slowly inch my delicious inch he entered me until he was in all the way.  

    “Hold on my little dove and try not to fly away,” he laughed at me under he breath.

    Arching my back from the wall I let go and fell into oblivion.  He thrust himself into me over and over, I could barely contain my cries.  I needed more, I needed all of him.  As if sensing my hunger once more, he lifted me off his beautiful cock and set me on my feet.

    “Turn around and bend over” he growled at me.

    I turned as he bent me over into position, my hands pressed against the wall, my legs spread, my pussy bare and glistening from my lust.  He ran his over my quivering ass, biting it, licking it.  I felt his open palm caress my cheek once before I felt the hard slap as his smack his hand on my ass, I gasped taken by surprise.  I should have run then, but I couldn’t, it only made me hotter.  He continued to spank me over and over, switching cheeks until my bottom was reddened to his liking.  

    “Do you like when I spank you?” he asked.

    “Yes,” I whispered, “yes I do.”

    “Spread your legs wider” he commanded and I did.  At this point he could have told me to stand on my head and I would of if it meant I could have more.

    He fingers ran down my wet center and I heard him groan.  And then it came again another smack, but this time upon my open pussy.  I jumped but held my place  pushing my ass out for another.  I could not believe I had completely debased myself for this man.  This stranger.  But he wasn’t a stranger anymore.  He slapped my wet pussy a few more times, making me wetter than I thought I could ever be.  And without warning he rammed himself into me.  I braced my hands against the wall as he held my hips pulling me back onto his magnificent cock as he thrust into me over and over again.  Pulling all the way out then thrusting back into me so hard I would rock up on my toes.

    “I need you to come for me querida, I need you to come loud.” His hand reached underneath my hips and found my clit once again.  I screamed in joy as he worked my clit mercilessly while he fucked me from behind.  And with one last shudder I felt an orgasm crash over me, my body bucking beneath him uncontrollably.  But he continued to work me, releasing my clit he began to thrust into me in earnest.  He gripped my hips so tight I knew I would find finger marks in the morning.  Deeper and deeper he thrust into me, leaning forward he reached under me and found my bouncing breast and squeezed my nipple.  Twisting it sent bolts of electricity down to my clit and I found myself rising again to the wake of another orgasm.  I shook my head but I couldn’t stop it.  As I screamed in ecstasy once more I felt his release hit home inside me.  His cock quivering inside of me as the walls of my pussy milked him for everything he was worth.  

    We stood there unmoving for what seemed like hours until I felt him withdraw from me.  Suddenly it hit me I had just had sex with a stranger in a tunnel beneath the club.  A part of me wanted to run and hide my face in shame, the other half did not want this moment to end.  

    As if feeling my torment within he stepped forward and kissed my lips as he pushed my skirt down over my hips, covering me once more.  He placed a card in my hand, and with that he turned and walked away.  

    And now here I am six months later, waiting for him as he asked me to.  The card he pushed into my hand had been a note simply asking me to return to this very spot six months later.  All thought of my quiet innocent life was gone, and now all I could think of was my handsome stranger who had come to claim me one night in an abandoned hall, my only worry would be if he didn’t show up at all.  As I sighed in contentment of knowing where I finally belonged, I heard foot steps echo down the empty hall, and I looked up once more into the face of the man with those piercing green eyes and that handsome devilish grin.

     

  • On My Own

    I stand here alone and tired in this life of mine

    Shouldering the pain and disappointments all on my own

    Wondering when one day someone will come along and extend a hand

    To walk by my side

    To hold me when I cry 

    Who will lay by me in the night 

    To ward off the terrors that plague my dreams

    Who will drive out the doubts that cloud my mind

    I have been that person for too many now

    And have been marred by the sight of their own scars

    But in this life I am cursed to walk alone

    Lost in the memories of the past 

    Drowning in the loneliness that has begun to consume me

    So do not fret when you see me cry

    Because it’s time to let go and leave this life I’ve known behind

    For somehow I will find that last ounce of courage in me

    To fuel a fire

    And brave the change I have no choice but to make

    So do not fret when you see me cry

    For this time I will find a way to hold my own

     

  • Afraid of Change

    Some days I just wonder what the fuck am I doing?  I had so many dreams and goals, and I feel like I have let them all slip through my hands.  I don’t know when exactly I began to doubt myself but I do.  My sister went to see a psychic last night and she showed him a picture of me, he said I don’t change, that I won’t change.  And he’s right, I don’t change.  As much as I want to, I don’t.  It’s not like I’m happy with how stagnant my life is, and that I don’t believe I don’t deserve better, because I do.  Even when I was a little girl, I had all these dreams, no matter how silly they were, I made plans for my future of who I wanted to be, where I was going, and what I would accomplish.  Now here I stand as an adult and not one of my dreams or goals have been accomplished.  I never got to finish college, I never got my “career”, I don’t own my own home, and I’m not enjoying my life at all.  

    So why don’t I change instead of whine about it?  It finally hit me, I’m afraid.  No excuses as to why I don’t move forward, no blame on anyone else for holding me back.  It’s all me.  I’m afraid of failing.  I know full well that through failure we learn and grow, that we cannot gain without it.  But I have fallen too many times to count, and I’ve let the discouragement consume me and deep down inside have begun to let myself mire in the belief that this is all my life is meant to be.  But it isn’t and I hate that I’ve let this happen.  This is nothing new, I’ve been here before, it’s just I never change.  If I’m honest I feel like a part of me has died inside.  Maybe it’s the antidepressants, or just me and my inability to pick my feet up and make the necessary steps to move forward.  I am not this person, the one that gives up and wallows in self pity.  Instead I look in the mirror and hate the reflection that I see.  And I know that no matter what I do I will end up right back here because I won’t change.  

    So what do I do to change?  Of that I am not sure, maybe I need to start by liking the person I see in the mirror.  I need to learn to believe in myself again.  Put myself out there and not fear the rejection.  Fight the resistance of those around me and block out their negativity to hold my head high and know I deserve so much more.  My only question is how do I do this?  How do I begin to like myself again?  How do I believe in myself when all I see around me is the multitude of possibilities that I have let go of.  How do I forget the pain of my past and my failures, and start fresh?  

    I know I need to start on the small things and make easier goals.  I just don’t know where to start.  What do I choose?  I’ve even just about given up on my writing, I just have no inspiration no motivation no drive.  I wish I had a crystal ball to hit me over the head to make me chose, but that would be way too easy.  It’s true nothing worth fighting for is free, it’s worth the pain and the tears.  So how do I fight for me when I feel like there is nothing left of me to fight for?

  • Rage…

     

    Frustration turns to anger

    Anger morphs into an uncontrollable rage

    Bringing about the tears that flow so easily

    Shaking from the screams that echo in my head

    It’s all I can do to keep from winding up dead

    The pounding of my heart

    The blood rushing to my head

    Transforms me from what was once subdued

    The lies you told

    The years you stole

    Ripped from my hands 

    But I will return 

    Stronger than iron

    With a battle cry that will shake the ground

    Silence and time are your enemies now

    For when I come

    The only thing you’ll ever see

    Is the shine of the blade before it turns my favorite shade of red

     

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