I hate that I still think of you

I hate how I miss you and what you were to me back then

I hate the hope I had in feeling like life was starting over

That I finally had a real chance at happiness

But like everyone else you took what you needed

I gave you so much of me, risking it all

I gave till it hurts 

Little did I know how high the cost would be

The loathing I feel 

Not for you but for me

For actually believing you were really there for me

That happiness was within my reach

But they were dreams not meant for me

I was just a stepping stone on your way to someone new

To help you play the gentle man you never were

I hate the ache that I hold in my heart

I hate that I cannot let it go

I wonder if I relive the pain to remind myself of what a fool I’ve been

Waiting and hoping for too long

To think I could finally be free to live a life that was meant for me

Funny thing is now I cannot bring myself to cry

Not a tear can be shed 

I know I deserve so much more

Yet I just can’t let go that I am not worth anything at all

I can only hope one day I will find

That missing part of me that can help make myself whole

And mends that broken part of me

So I’ve been checking out other blogging sites, I’ve already signed up on wordpress (under the same moniker) but I have to admit I’m unimpressed with what is out there.  I’ve tried using blogger.com in the past and it’s a pain in my ass not to mention the lack of community that these blog sites have is terrible.  Maybe I just don’t want to change, letting go of something I’m so comfortable with is hard, but I really don’t want to move on.

If I have to pay to stay on Xanga I will.  When I started blogging I went in with the mindset of just doing it for me, having a place to write down my thoughts without anyone ever knowing or finding out.  To be able to trace back and see where I was then to now.  Yet now I crave being able to share my thoughts, my writings, my feelings and ideas with others.  I look forward to the feedback and I really enjoy connecting with like minded people as well as learning from others with different backgrounds. 

No matter what happens it’ll never be the same, I just can only hope Xanga is here to stay. 

It’s weird knowing that Xanga could just fade away.  It’s always been there for me.  A place for me to write my thoughts, vent my feelings.  It’s a place where my trust was greatly betrayed yet I also connected to some amazing people too, one of whom I consider a dear friend.  I’ve found some incredible writers who made me want to push my skills and try harder. I’ve shared my dreams, my fears, my past, my achievements and my defeats.  

I’ve seen the world through different eyes, and taken on new perspectives.  And even though I’ve wandered from the halls I’ve always come back home.  It’s been home since 2008 and the thought of never coming home again actually saddens me.  It could be exciting to go somewhere new, see new sights, find new minds.  But it’ll never be home, it’ll never be the same.  It is a shame to see it go, my only wish would be if I could have more.

I haven’t been around in a while.  Pain management doc put me on Lyrica and it really messed me up, feeling like I was always in a fog and unable to keep a thought in my head.  And people think illegal drugs are bad?!  Try some legit ones…sheesh.  Well I finally came back today to catch up on all I have missed and now have a ton of messages of people posting their new blog sites because xanga is closing?

Is it really?  What did I miss?  Or is this another hoax?  If so I need to start copying my posts that I’d like to keep asap!

Any info is greatly appreciated!

It’s funny how we ended up this way

We thought we knew each other so well

We laughed and cried

We shared so much, we had nothing to hide

Now here we are completely different people inside

I wonder now how did we get here

With all intimacy gone

Words spoken in loving tones

To harsh words left ringing in my ears

The plans we made, the dreams we had

Forgotten in the wake of another fight

The promises to change

To only be left unchanged

I look around to see how much of the world has gone by

Leaving me lost in the uncertainty of any future at all

Yet each night as I lay my head upon the bed

It hurts my heart just a little more

That I don’t know who you are any more

To only be left to face the truth

That each night when I lay myself down to sleep

I close my eyes to what once was love

To wake up alone to a stranger in my room

Although I haven’t been around as much as I would have liked to, I did see this topic floating around and I find it kind of cool to find out more about the bloggers I’ve really come to enjoy reading about.  So I guess it’s my turn as I was tagged by @MyHomeIsWriting so I hope I don’t disappoint while I try and pick out the more interesting facts about me.   

1.  I’m going to be 41 in 3 weeks, while to some people I may be considered old, I don’t feel old in my heart (my aching body is a whole other story).  The best thing is I have my mom’s genes.  My coworkers still can’t believe I am 40, and most people place me between 28-34.  I guess the hair dye is helping

2.  I am a huge animal lover.  I will fight for animal rights before people’s rights.  Why you ask?  Because animals cannot speak for themselves.  Man has proven over and over how greedy and destructive he can be.  Humans abuse and neglect their pets, their greed has wiped out hundreds of species and is continuing to threaten thousands of others.  Before there was man there were animals.  It’s why I would never insult animals by calling humans animals, since  animals tend to act less savage than the two legged species that believes they rule the world.

3.  One dream I’ve always had was to be a published writer.  I dabble in the art but I truly wish I had the disciple and talent to become a best selling novelist. I have so many stories running in my head but they run out of my head as soon as I sit to write them down.  Maybe one day I will have enough peace to make it happen.  Until then I will keep trying and hoping that something comes out good.     

4.  Another dream I used to have was becoming an Olympic Equestrian rider.  How I used to wake up to watch the sport early Sunday morning and wish I was the rider soaring over incredible jumps.

5.  Speaking of horses, I had a bad fall over a decade ago that left me partially paralyzed for under 12 hours.  Trail horse took the bit from me and in trying to take control he tripped and I pulled him up too hard causing him to rear making me slip out of my stirrups (I am short …5’3″) and he bucked me off.  I had no choice but where i would land, I chose to aim to the side where there were bushes to cushion my fall.  Only to have my friends return to the scene of the accident the following week to discover there slabs of concrete and boulders hidden beneath it.  To say I was extremely lucky and had the aid of an angel to keep me from breaking my back is an understatement.  

6.  I love to dance!  I lose myself in a trance and feel euphoric when I do.  It’s why being laid up since my car accident has really gotten to me.  I may not be the worlds greatest dancer, but that Puerto Rican in me is having a hard time staying away from the dance floor.  

7.  Not only do I love to dance but I love music in general.  If you looked at my CD collection you would swear either several different people lived there or I was schizophrenic. I have classic rock, to alternative, to Latin, to R & B, to disco, freestyle, doowop, heavy metal to easy listening.  Yes easy listening..  I used to practice to Barbara Streisand before going to church to sing in the choir, and lets not mess with my Barry Manilow either!

8.  Yes I used to sing.  Back in grade school my class had the voice of “angels” yet we were further from the truth.  We sang in English, Latin and Polish.  I even sang my own solo in the school play Godspell, day by day.  I was no Celine Dion but I had a pretty voice.  Years of cheerleading, pneumonia, asthma and yelling damaged my chords.  It’s a rare day I can actually hit a note on key.  So I sing to a really really loud radio in my car.

9.  Sticking with music I believe that going to a heavy metal concert is the best therapy ever!!!  Especially when I used to go see Disturbed I was never more relaxed or felt like i was walking on cloud nine during or after a show.  The cathartic release was beyond any therapy session I ever had.

10.  If you don’t know this about me already, I used to live the “lifestyle”.  In that I am referring to BDSM. I have control issues and allowing myself to submit and scene was a missing piece of the puzzle for me.  I left the life behind many years ago due to a bad incident, but in the past 2 years I find myself yearning for a return.  Now if only I wasn’t married…hmmmmm

11.  Now while I may be a submissive in my soul (and was actual in a Master/slave relationship at one time) I am a very head strong and dominant person. Though with a lot of my writing comes off as me being very weak and wallowing in self pity, in real life I wear a different mask.  I am headstrong and dominant.  When I am crossed I don’t back down and I will retaliate.  I’m not afraid of confrontation and I’m willing to fight for myself, because no one else ever does.

12.  I am addicted to reality TV.  It’s nuts!  I started out with the Real World way way back in the day but stopped watching after a couple of seasons.  Then Survivor came along, then Idol, and Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, the Housewives Series….You see a pattern…lol.  Maybe I get lost in the dream of being a contestant or living someone else’s lavish lifestyle.  Either way with the way TV is going there will be nothing left but “Reality” TV.

13.  When I realized I couldn’t afford to finish college, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do and how I could get back to school being I no longer had the $$ to continue.  I joined the NYPD as an Auxiliary, I’ve always loved cops.  And I wanted to become one.  In doing so I could get paid to go back to school and have a career at the same time.  My new dream was to become a K9 officer until I retired my dog than leave the force, by which time I would have my psych degree and could go into practice.  Needless to say my horse back riding accident kept me from doing to.  I left my tenor as an Auxilary Sargent.  I loved it, but I was moving and could no longer continue to volunteer.

14.  During my tenor as an Auxiliary for the NYPD I went on a call and helped to save a newborn’s life.  I received an award and medal which I still to this day proudly display.

15.  As a young girl used to hike alone in the woods behind the building complex I lived in wishing I would be rescued or that I would meet a unicorn.  yeah I had some imagination.  Still do, except I no longer believe in fairy tales.

16.  I love to cook, not so much lately as my husband is a pain in the ass, but I love to watch cooking shows and experiment and try new things.  I’m a pretty good cook and a huge fan of almost anything chicken!  Yes I was a chicken hawk in my past life

So now that you’ve gotten to know me a little better, in less depressing terms I guess it’s my turn to tag a few fellow Xangans and dare them to open their souls.  Yes I did keep it much lighter than most of the entries I normally do but considering that most know my darker side and past I thought it would be cool to shine a little light on that better half of me.

@godfatherofgreenbay

@adamswomanback

@hombre_de_la_macha

@ultraviolet847 (hoping to tempt her back)

i wasn’t going to post this.  I have been feeling really shitty lately and trapped within the muddle thoughts inside my own head.  Self pity, maybe but I do know the other night I had a real moment of weakness.  I wish I could stay strong and never waver, it’s what the people around me and in my life expect of me.  But I am human and I cry like everyone else, I just got really good at hiding it. 

That being said, I was writing out my feelings in hopes of setting them free.  But then I realized in hiding them from my blog that I am not accomplishing what I really wanted to do, it may be self serving, or me hosting a pity party.  It doesn’t matter, this is how I really felt in that moment, I am feeling better today but I still cannot shake these thoughts or the feelings that weigh down my heart.  I can only hope that in leaving it here I can leave it behind me or at least make another step in the right direction towards a better future.  One can only hope.

It’s been creeping up on me this melancholy and loneliness in a way that I haven’t experienced in a very long time.  Everything makes me weepy and I have lost the ability to hide it.  I have so few moments of happiness and I cannot remember the last time I was content or felt safe.  I can’t stop thinking of what I’ve lost, of what I’ll never have, and who I will never be.  The dreams I had are all gone.  People keep saying never give up I can make it and nothing can stop me, but I have lost the belief that I can.  

How do I find that optimism that I once had?  To know no matter what I can stand on my own.  How do I contend with the fact that I don’t want to, that I want so much to have someone to hold me and walk me through the fires that continually rage around me.  When everything that once made me so happy and that I loved to do and was such a big part of me I can never do again.  How do I give that intimate side that I am reluctant to share.  Afraid of the rejections the sneers and jeers. When so little keeps me grounded I have no idea how I still travel down this road.  I wonder if its because I have no where else to go.  Maybe it’s because the reason is that I was meant to forever go at it alone.

It doesn’t help that Mother’s Day is around the corner and it’s just a glaring reminder that I am not nor will I ever be a mother.  Even if I started a whole new life with someone else it’s too late for me.  I guess what makes it harder was actually becoming pregnant and the loss that followed it.  I did not realize how much I had changed in the short time I knew I was carrying a child inside of me.  There are still days I try and picture who he or she would look like now, their personality and where life would have taken me had I really been a mom.  The shocking thing was never really wanting a child until then.  Maybe this is the way it should have been though, with my fucked up history, maybe it was best this child never came to be.  And it’s that lowly thought I hold on to to help me deal with, and get past all the baby announcement among family and friends.

Could it just be that I’m so tired of hurting physically that I no longer have the strength to hide my emotional pain? That I am feeling all of this more than I ever had before?  

I just don’t know anymore.  The only thing I can be sure of is that I have never been more alone in my thoughts, and with every part of me I ache to know what it is like to feel someone hold me and let me cry, to make me feel safe and know in that moment of weakness they would never use it against me.  But this too is another wish that will never come to pass.

I wish I could feel your arms around me 

My head resting on your chest 

Listening to the beating of your heart 

In the background we would hear the music drift our way

And slowly we began to sway to the rhythm that surrounded us

You’d hold me tighter 

Humming softly in my ear 

Tears flow freely as the emotions overtake me

Becoming vulnerable in your strength

Letting go of the past and the pain that held me down 

How I long to lose myself in your embrace 

Wishing the song could last forever 

But the song never began

You were never really here 

And I will never know the small comfort that could have been you

Sometimes I wonder what the point of it is all for.  

To keep trying only to be taken down.  

To never reach the goal no matter how many yards you run.  

Victory always seeming just out of reach.

I’ve questioned the faith I had in the things that have deceived me.

The lingering scars left behind now naked for the world to see.

I have lost so much to gain so little, and even that small gain is slowly slipping away.

Now it’s the waiting that has become the hardest part for me.

Waiting for the next shoe to drop, another piece of news better left unsaid.

Knowing the small victories will end in tears.

It’s a wonder why we’re even here.

Left to decide if we will hide until our time.

I no longer have it in me to smile, to pretend not to see the ending of my own dreams.

When all I want is to crawl away and cry.

One by one they destroyed it all, and I realized I could no longer hide.

It took it’s toil to fight to keep myself alive.

And now I can barely hope to make it through another day.

So I say it’s better to never wish nor want for anything.

To give up on the dreams I once had held so dear.

Now all that’s left is a bare shadow of my pride, to remind me of when I was so high I could touch the sky.

And of the fall that took it all because I was the fool who thought she could have it all.

I sat there alone on the ledge watching him as he walked towards me, my heart fluttering in my chest.  It felt so surreal to have him standing in front of me, looking down at me, yet I refused to look up at him, so afraid I was at disturbing the moment that he would actually disappear.  With his hands on the top of my thighs he ran his hands down to my knees slowly easing my legs open so he could stand between them.  I blushed at the thought of wishing I had worn a skirt instead of jeans, just to feel his hand upon my own skin.  I bit my lips as I heard him chuckle under his breath, as if he had read my mind.

“Don’t” he said in that silky smooth voice of his, “Don’t bite your lip.”

His hand went from my cheek to the back of my head, his fingers tangling in my dark thick hair as he pulled me towards him.  I leaned into his chest and rested my head right over his heart.  My own heart was soaring listening to his own, breathing him in, reveling in that delicious warm clean scent that was his.  I sighed and gave in to my need and wrapped my arms around his waist and it felt as if the world paused just for us.

I felt him kiss the top of my head and I knew I wanted him to kiss my lips, but I was too afraid once again to even look up at him.  That he would look and see the plain girl who sat on this very ledge every day and waited for something to happen to her. I couldn’t let him see the doubt I had in my eyes, nor the fear that was sure to be there questioning why he was here with me in this very moment.  Holding me as if we were long lost lovers, pledging to never let each other go ever again.  

He stepped in closer, his hands pressed against the middle of my back, keeping me from backing away from the intensity that was building between us.  I moved my head from his chest to his shoulder and found my face in the crook of his arm.  Wearing just a soft cotton short sleeved t-shirt, his arm was exposed as he held me close to him.  Before I realized what I was doing I found myself lightly kissing his muscled bicep.  I couldn’t stop myself even if I wanted to.  I had an overwhelming need to taste him, to feel his skin upon my lips.  I felt his body sigh into me as he pressed me tighter to him.  I didn’t want the moment to end, so I held tight to his waist as I continued to lay gentle kisses upon his arm.  

I felt him step back and my heart dropped, he was leaving, was all I could think.  My hands fell from his waist to rest on my own thighs as I struggled to fight back the tears that threatened to come.  Yet he did not turn away, instead, he cupped my chin and raised my head to meet his eyes.  In that moment I felt myself drown in the crystal clear blue depths of his eyes, the shimmering effect caused only by the tears that welled up in my own.  

“Shh” he whispered as a lone tear spilled over my lashes.  His thumb gently wiping it away from my cheek.  He held my gaze for what felt like an eternity.  My heart was pounding in my chest and I knew he could hear it as everything else around us had been silenced for this moment.  He leaned in to kiss me, and the butterflies that had begun in my stomach radiated out to every limb.  I couldn’t back away, I didn’t want to.  His soft full lips moved in to claim mine as I gave in to the ache that hungered for him.  Trapped in the strength of his arms, I had no where to go but to move forward to meet him in that long awaited first kiss.

BEEEP!!!!!!!!!  BEEEEP!!!!!!!  BEEEP!!!!! BEEEP1!!!!

I nearly fell out of bed as I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock, “Dammit.” I thought, “we were so close this time!”

I swung my legs around to dangle off the bed as I closed my eyes trying to remember his face.  But I couldn’t recall one detail, it was only his eyes I could still see, and the clear white perfect skin that I had kissed on his arm.  Grunting I made my way into the bathroom to begin my morning routine, dreading the familiar ache of loneliness and heartache that filled my chest every morning since these dreams began a year ago now.  It was to the point I wish I would never wake from these dreams, that I could stay with him, whoever he is.  Or at least for the torture of these beautiful dreams to finally end, to end the misery or the reminder of how alone I truly was in this world today.  Belonging no where and to no one, when all I wanted most was to belong to him.