March 1, 2014
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Getting through
I first want to say thank you for all the love and supportive messages. There are just no words for how I feel anymore. Life goes on and somehow we are all managing to put one foot in front of the other. I guess you can say I’m in denial, I still can’t believe she’s gone. Even seeing her at the wake and before the church services, it wasn’t real. I had my moments at the wake when it was just us kids and my dad and then when everyone came it was like I was there for someone else, not my mom.
The hard moments are when I wake up and tell myself I need to call and check on mom, and I realize i can’t. I was in the supermarket thinking “oh I gotta call mom and ask her how to make this” and it hit me, I can’t. I went back to work on Thursday, I hated it. Forget about the piles waiting for me, it was everyone watching me waiting for me to break. I know people mean well asking over and over how are you doing, ugh I can’t deal with being asked. It’s constant, never ending and I know they mean well at work but I’m beginning to feel cornered. I just need to breathe to feel like I can try and get back to normal. It feels selfish of me to want to tell people to back off at work, but I’m getting close. I don’t even want to sit in the lunch room because I can’t relax.
But what I really want is my mom. She was too young, it wasn’t fair. She was still recovering from her heart bypass and then this. We had plans, and she had so much life in her. I blame the hospital, the shitty care they gave her, how they took their sweet time and their lack of compassion. They stole her from us and I’m planning on a return visit to them. I wont scream or curse, but I will thank them for their lack of compassion and care for my mom, and wish upon each of the nurses, aids and doctors that when their time comes that they have someone just like them help steal their lives from them and their family. Just like they did to us.
For now it;s all I can do but hold on to the hope that my mom is at peace and is in heaven and that we will all be together again. But I can’t help but need to know now that she’s okay. I just have to hold onto the memories, and keep her alive in me. It just hurts, and at times I just don’t know how to breathe.
Comments (3)
Aw.
I know right now it feels like you are drowning. 
What you are dealing with…what you are feeling and thinking…is right where you should be now, after such a great unexpected loss.
You are still in shock.
You are going through the stages of grief. I know from experience that some times we cycle in them…one minute we feel deep sadness, the next minute we feel deep rage. But eventually we move from denial through the other stages to acceptance.
You will never “get over” what happened. You will just learn to live with your new reality. It is NO fun. But, eventually you will find some peace.
I still think of my Mom and want to call her (almost 3 years later), so I image that will never end.
But, as a mom, I would say to you, Your Mom knows you love her, she knows you miss her, and she would want you to be happy…carry her on through life with you, keep her alive in your good memories, your thoughts. She wants you to be find joy.
Again, I offer my ears and heart. If you want to talk, ever, just send me an e-mail. I am will to listen to you, cry with you, on the phone, too.
HUGS,
Carolyn
adamswoman@yahoo.com
Thank you, coming from someone who can relate I appreciate your words. It helps it really does.
Oh Sis, I am so very sorry. Even though I lost my mom, I have no idea what you’re going through. You see, I have no idea what your relationship with your mom was like. How the two of you interacted, how you would laugh or cry or get angry with each other. I get the thinking “oh, I gotta do this, I gotta do that”. it took me a while to stop automatically turning at that corner to head to her skilled nursing facility. But no matter how I felt, no matter what I went through, it pales to compare to how you’re feeling. Because it is happening to you. Take all the time you need to grieve. Cry, laugh, yell, scream, be short tempered, talk to yourself, whatever it takes to get through. I’m here if you need to vent. Take care.