Darkness crept in and stole my light from me

She laughed at me as I cried

Helpless as death danced in the rain of my tears

I watched as my world darkened around me

If I could only pull back the veil

To see the face of loved ones lost

To have a moment of peace

Seeing the love in their eyes

To say our last goodbyes

Yet still denied by the purveyors of the night

I fold myself up and slowly die a little more inside

Waiting for a sign I pray that may never come

To know that you are never far away from me

I first want to say thank you for all the love and supportive messages. There are just no words for how I feel anymore. Life goes on and somehow we are all managing to put one foot in front of the other. I guess you can say I’m in denial, I still can’t believe she’s gone. Even seeing her at the wake and before the church services, it wasn’t real. I had my moments at the wake when it was just us kids and my dad and then when everyone came it was like I was there for someone else, not my mom.

The hard moments are when I wake up and tell myself I need to call and check on mom, and I realize i can’t. I was in the supermarket thinking “oh I gotta call mom and ask her how to make this” and it hit me, I can’t. I went back to work on Thursday, I hated it. Forget about the piles waiting for me, it was everyone watching me waiting for me to break. I know people mean well asking over and over how are you doing, ugh I can’t deal with being asked. It’s constant, never ending and I know they mean well at work but I’m beginning to feel cornered. I just need to breathe to feel like I can try and get back to normal. It feels selfish of me to want to tell people to back off at work, but I’m getting close. I don’t even want to sit in the lunch room because I can’t relax.

But what I really want is my mom. She was too young, it wasn’t fair. She was still recovering from her heart bypass and then this. We had plans, and she had so much life in her. I blame the hospital, the shitty care they gave her, how they took their sweet time and their lack of compassion. They stole her from us and I’m planning on a return visit to them. I wont scream or curse, but I will thank them for their lack of compassion and care for my mom, and wish upon each of the nurses, aids and doctors that when their time comes that they have someone just like them help steal their lives from them and their family. Just like they did to us.

For now it;s all I can do but hold on to the hope that my mom is at peace and is in heaven and that we will all be together again. But I can’t help but need to know now that she’s okay. I just have to hold onto the memories, and keep her alive in me. It just hurts, and at times I just don’t know how to breathe.