My heart is heavier than I could ever imagine. I never thought it could hurt so much. Tonight I lost my mom. It shouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t make any sense. I thought writing it here would help, but I waver between being numb to crying so hard I cant breathe. I don’t understand, I just saw her hours earlier and she was fine. I thought she was getting stronger, I was resolved she would make a full recovery. She looked good, she ate she spoke, we talked. And then she’s gone. It hurts that everyone else was called back to the hospital and I am here at home without my family. Tomorrow I will be with them, but it still won’t make sense. I know we lose loved ones every day, it’s a part of life. But this isn’t the life we envisioned for her. She deserved so much more. I can only hope she knows how much I love her and hope much she means to me and how much I will miss her. If I could take years off my life to bring her back I would. Because no one was better, no one had a better heart, no one gave more.

I love you mommy I hope you know that, I just don’t know how to not have you in my life anymore.

So surgery was uneventful, which is a good thing. I do feel better and walk almost 100% better (almost no limping) but I do still have pain and/or discomfort. My back in particular is killing me from the epidural. UGH! A week after surgery the pain took my breath away, it definitely wasn’t any fun. I’m driving again and I’m back to work full time although the recent weeks with the weather has shut the company down (yay!!!) I am pretty much back in the groove.

I’m just feeling exhausted. I don’t know if it’s from all the sleeping I did while recouping or it’s something else. I see the surgeon next week to get my PT orders and hopefully I’ll be able to have more use of my leg so I can speed up my recovery. I’m just looking forward to feeling normal again..lol