December 10, 2013

• It starts at home

  

  We never realize it, until the damage is done. We look outside and blame the schools, the kids and the teachers. But in truth the bullying can start at the very place you are supposed to be safe…home. At least for me, it is the one place I’ve been bullied. I was picked on and pushed around by my siblings. Nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents. I was the middle child and frequently left behind. If I got a 96 on a test my father would say you could have gotten a 98, I didn’t clean well enough for my mother, and she would make me redo it. My parents would say I was too sensitive and a cry baby, and maybe I was. But all I knew was that I felt deeply, and one thing always stood out I never felt I belonged. I was too fat, too tom boyish, I talked too much, I laughed too loud, nothing I did was ever right. I was laughed at and made to feel so small. I don’t believe they meant to make me feel this way. Maybe my parents thought they could toughen me up, instead it broke me down. I didn’t see the pretty little girl in the mirror. I only saw the child who was too chubby, who whined and felt like it was all my fault. My parents would constantly fight and out of all my siblings (there were 4 of us) I was the one they would pull to tell what was wrong with the other, and in some way made to feel as if this was all my fault. That if I never existed or had been born they wouldn’t be together and they would be happier.

  So in turn I hated myself. And as much as I hate to admit at 41 years of age, I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. I look into the eyes of a pathetic woman who let life pass her by. A woman who had so much to offer and didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I did and I can’t see it, maybe I ventured further than I ever could and I can’t recognize it. Maybe because all I hear are the voices of my past in my head telling I can’t do this or that, that I’m not good enough, pretty enough or smart enough. That no one would find me worthy enough for anything.

  Could it be this is why I chose the man I did to marry? Someone who doesn’t help me or stand in my corner cheering me on? It’s not to say I don’t have my own champions in life, I do. My younger sister and I are closer than we have ever been, she is truly my best friend. She believes in me and wants the best for me. Though at times she may not realize it but her words of encouragement can be like a knife slicing through my heart. I am not her. I am not as fearless as I pretend to be. I don’t think I ever will be.

  I look back and see how I became the tough guy in school, I fought for the underdog, Heaven helped you if you thought you could pick on someone weaker, because you would have to deal with me. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder, I still do. But when I am home, it’s different. I let the words get to me, I let them hurt me. But worst of all I have become my own worst bully. I look in the mirror criticizing everything about myself. I think back and I realize now I’ve never known what it is to love myself. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t have a child, maybe I would have continued the cycle and bullied my own child. Beating her down, belittling her making her feel worthless.

  I see now the reasons why I’ve made some of the choices I have made, I allowed their words to hurt me. And in turn I held those words close and said them to myself when I was alone in the dark. I know I have to break this cycle, but I don’t know how to love myself. I know how to protect others, to pull them out of their own despair, but how do I do this for myself? How do I learn to love myself, forgive myself and move on?

  I don’t have answers but knowing the truth of my beginnings and where it all started I can only hope I can find a way out of this darkness I have kept myself in,

  • 12:13 pm
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