We never realize it, until the damage is done. We look outside and blame the schools, the kids and the teachers. But in truth the bullying can start at the very place you are supposed to be safe…home. At least for me, it is the one place I’ve been bullied. I was picked on and pushed around by my siblings. Nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents. I was the middle child and frequently left behind. If I got a 96 on a test my father would say you could have gotten a 98, I didn’t clean well enough for my mother, and she would make me redo it. My parents would say I was too sensitive and a cry baby, and maybe I was. But all I knew was that I felt deeply, and one thing always stood out I never felt I belonged. I was too fat, too tom boyish, I talked too much, I laughed too loud, nothing I did was ever right. I was laughed at and made to feel so small. I don’t believe they meant to make me feel this way. Maybe my parents thought they could toughen me up, instead it broke me down. I didn’t see the pretty little girl in the mirror. I only saw the child who was too chubby, who whined and felt like it was all my fault. My parents would constantly fight and out of all my siblings (there were 4 of us) I was the one they would pull to tell what was wrong with the other, and in some way made to feel as if this was all my fault. That if I never existed or had been born they wouldn’t be together and they would be happier.

So in turn I hated myself. And as much as I hate to admit at 41 years of age, I still look in the mirror and hate what I see. I look into the eyes of a pathetic woman who let life pass her by. A woman who had so much to offer and didn’t try hard enough. Maybe I did and I can’t see it, maybe I ventured further than I ever could and I can’t recognize it. Maybe because all I hear are the voices of my past in my head telling I can’t do this or that, that I’m not good enough, pretty enough or smart enough. That no one would find me worthy enough for anything.

Could it be this is why I chose the man I did to marry? Someone who doesn’t help me or stand in my corner cheering me on? It’s not to say I don’t have my own champions in life, I do. My younger sister and I are closer than we have ever been, she is truly my best friend. She believes in me and wants the best for me. Though at times she may not realize it but her words of encouragement can be like a knife slicing through my heart. I am not her. I am not as fearless as I pretend to be. I don’t think I ever will be.

I look back and see how I became the tough guy in school, I fought for the underdog, Heaven helped you if you thought you could pick on someone weaker, because you would have to deal with me. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder, I still do. But when I am home, it’s different. I let the words get to me, I let them hurt me. But worst of all I have become my own worst bully. I look in the mirror criticizing everything about myself. I think back and I realize now I’ve never known what it is to love myself. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t have a child, maybe I would have continued the cycle and bullied my own child. Beating her down, belittling her making her feel worthless.

I see now the reasons why I’ve made some of the choices I have made, I allowed their words to hurt me. And in turn I held those words close and said them to myself when I was alone in the dark. I know I have to break this cycle, but I don’t know how to love myself. I know how to protect others, to pull them out of their own despair, but how do I do this for myself? How do I learn to love myself, forgive myself and move on?

I don’t have answers but knowing the truth of my beginnings and where it all started I can only hope I can find a way out of this darkness I have kept myself in,

You would think after paying for a year’s subscription I would be around a lot more. It’s guess it’s been a trying time, between my parents health issues and then losing my baby girl Muneca. I still miss her like crazy but I’m not falling apart. I have noticed my lack of drive and my need to remain distant. I know that’s not the best thing but I guess I need time. I’ve had no fire in me to write and a part of me has felt so reluctant to share myself at all. But I have to keep moving, I still have my lil man at home and I don’t want this to affect him either, or at least not anymore.

So after everything I finally made time to go back for my second visit with my ortho surgeon. And finally I am having surgery! The date has been set, January 14th. He will be removing my plica and resurfacing the back of my patella. I am so relieved to see this all coming to an end. My life has been stagnant and feeling trapped is making it worse. I’ve had people look at me strangely about being excited to have surgery, but they don’t understand I’ve been in pain every day since April 5, 2012. I’m done! I was originally scheduled for Dec 17th but my ahole manager had me change it. My other manager was pissed as he felt it was perfect timing, see my job is closed on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as well as New Years Eve and New Years Day. He thought perfect as I wont come back to work to a full week and would be able to recoup better that way. But now I have to wait out another month in pain and go back the following week to a full work week. And since I’ll be getting a ride with a coworker I wont be able to just leave early if I’m not feeling good. Really sucks. Lately this manager has become more and more of an ass, so I’m not as friendly with him anymore.

Then I hear that Stone Sour & Pop Evil are coming to NYC Jan 17th! That really pissed me off, but I’m going anyway. I called and got my tickets, I just can’t be in the crowd rocking out, I’ll be in the handicapped section in a seat. But hey I’m still going, if I could show up to see Shinedown with bronchial pnuemonia I can see Stone Sour 4 days after my surgery. LOL. There’s very few things that make me feel alive, dancing, sex, horseback riding and live shows. So since I’m still not having sex (yes I am still married ) and I can’t dance or go riding due to my knee the only thing I have left is a rock show. speaking of rock shows…we went to see Halestorm last Friday night. Love love love them! I saw them the first time they ever played in NYC and now they are just killing it! So I was hoping to meet them but now that they are a Grammy Award winning rock band it’s near impossible. So we all know I make beaded bracelets and have a “rock collection”, so I showed up with bracelets for the the guys and the lead singer. I was able to give them to a family member after the show. I have been waiting to see anything on their twitter feed or facebook page, but nothing. So I reached out via twitter to Joe (lead guitarist) and Lzzy (lead singer). Joe responded saying he was wearing his and thanking me for them! So when I messaged him back I noticed he changed his profile pic, I checked and its him on stage jamming wearing my beads! To say the least I am over the moon. I mean my beads are being worn on stage by Grammy Winning Artists! So now I’m on a mission to hopefully get some on Corey Taylor and the lead singer of Pop Evil (who is hot by the way).

So that’s it in a nutshell. I’m hoping my spell of gloom and depression has come to an end and I can look forward to a better new year because this year has really really sucked! Hope everyone had a nice Thanskgiving. I hope I get back her before Christmas if not, hope its a merry one for everyone!