June 19, 2013
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Acknowledging some truths
I’ve lived in my head for so long that the real world is overwhelmingly disappointing. I’ve daydreamed of living a life so unlike my own, all with one goal in mind…acceptance. I wonder though even now if I am looking for acceptance from others or myself. Maybe it’s both. For as long as I remember I have never been happy with myself, I haven’t been able to settle with what I have achieved or been unable to achieve. Maybe I expect too much from myself, but I once dreamed big, I mean really big. Yet my life is anything but. I know that this is life and you have to make due with what you’ve been given or able to accomplish, yet when I was younger I fantasized about how grand life would be as an adult, I never counted on anything but myself to make it and own it. But as I grew older the cruelty life taught me stole more and more of the spirited soul I felt I once had. Once as a young girl I dreamed of finding unicorns and riding in the equestrian trials, and now I can barely crawl through the fires around me. Although I’ve always pictured myself alone, I never knew I would be so lonely.
I’m not sure how I ended up this way. Was it the exclusion as a child from my siblings? My parents ignoring me and never having the time? Was it the years I was molested and warped into thinking it meant he loved me then felt worthless as he grew up and moved on to girls his age who he wasn’t related to? Was it the names I was called growing up by my siblings or the lack of compassion my parents gave when they saw how it hurt me? Was it always feeling the only reason why anyone wanted me around was to use for something or anything? Any or all of it reinforcing the low self esteem that still sits with me today? Funny thing was I was the popular one in school, the one the student body would look to. And even then I felt like a stranger even to myself.
Yet here I am, a 41 year old woman who still loses herself in her books and poetry. Pretending everything is alright even when it’s not. And I know life has so much more to give, and I can take it if only I reach out. I may get slapped back down, but I know I will have to find a way to get back on my feet and move forward. Even those days when I am filled with a loathing for myself and the choices I’ve made, I will always continue to place one step in front of the other. The problem I find is the path I have walked upon has always been the more arduous one of all.
No, life was never meant to be easy but I wonder when I am allowed a break. When do I get to sit back and release the tears I’ve held back inside and feels the comfort of someone’s strength holding me, allowing me to be vulnerable and not be taken advantage of it?
I don’t know if that will ever happen, but I do know at some point I have to find something, anything that can help me learn to love who I am and what I have to give. To let go of the disappointment and anger I have for myself, and embrace life with a whole new attitude. To smile and not fake it. To find my place among others and be proud of who I am.
Who knows when or if this could happen, all I know is that I am still here, alive and breathing. I can hope a day will come when I can look at the woman in the mirror and accept her for who she is, and know she deserves so much more.
Comments (8)
It’s hard to be happy when one is still searching. Or when one is sick and tired of being sick and tired. But I have every faith in you; as a person, as a human being, as a woman. I admire your strength. And while it would be nice to be able to lean on someone once in a while, just know your “big brother” is here for you, anytime. Take care.
The good news is that your future does not have to be determined by your past. You can change and it may be difficult to change the way you feel but you can change the way you react to things that happen. You have self awareness and that’s a great start. Start doing those things that are good for you and better times will come. (Sorry for the preachy tone.)
You are reaching a turning point in your life. You have choices to make – be sure to make the choice for what you really want, not driven by some self-hating demon inside you. I believe in you because you can write. There is always salvation in that.
If you would listen to what you are saying. You are one step ahead already, you want to live, you know you deserve better, you know that YOU can change things.
It’s time to pick a new path, yes there maybe bumps in the road, never look back. Your future is in your HANDS. Embrace it.
breathing is half the battle
You’ve gotten such good advice and encouragement so far! So many things have already been said in comments, that I thought about while reading your words.
No matter how you feel about yourself and your life…trust the words of others…believe what we see until you can see it and feel it for yourself!
I want to say again that you have been so inspirational to me…your honesty, your strength, your attitude, your words, your vulnerability, your kindness…and so much more…has lifted me when I was down…you’ve encouraged me…you’ve kept me company…and you’ve done that just by being you!
Keep sharing your words…you have a beautiful heart and a wise mind…and your words give voice to some of us who are sometime wordless.
There have been times I’ve sat here in Xangaland and had no words…I couldn’t share my heart and the depth of my pain and the hatred of myself…and people like you had written and shared things that helped me stay “above water”…you kept me afloat one more night. I thank you for that.
You are loved!
HUGS!!!
@soltero_alma - Thank you! You’ve always been a source of strength for me over the past couple of years. I haven’t given up on myself I just need to learn the reason why I have such a hard issue loving myself.
@RushmoreJ - I definitely do have the world still in front of me, I’m glad I still have some faith in the fact that I can find happiness, because if I didn’t it would be a pretty bleak world
i have to keep practicing that one. I’m so glad my words have helped you, if there was one thing anonymity taught me was that I could be completely open and honest in ways I never felt safe to do so before, Xanga gave that to me, and I am just happy to share that
@RakkaRay - Thank you, I may not be the most gifted writer but letting out those damn feelings really helps, even when others feel I’m self serving I’ve found comfort in hearing from others that I’ve given voice to what they’ve been through. I hope I can write forever it’ll be my one saving grace
@Journal2myself - the future always has been
@godfatherofgreenbay - and even that is a battle… but at least I win that one most days
@adamswomanback - The old saying of “fake it till you make it”
accepting and forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest thing we can do . . .
I learned about 15 years ago that no realtionship is better than staying with a failed or failing one everyday, we just hate to admit it