I’ve lived in my head for so long that the real world is overwhelmingly disappointing.  I’ve daydreamed of living a life so unlike my own, all with one goal in mind…acceptance.  I wonder though even now if I am looking for acceptance from others or myself.  Maybe it’s both.  For as long as I remember I have never been happy with myself, I haven’t been able to settle with what I have achieved or been unable to achieve.  Maybe I expect too much from myself, but I once dreamed big, I mean really big.  Yet my life is anything but.  I know that this is life and you have to make due with what you’ve been given or able to accomplish, yet when I was younger I fantasized about how grand life would be as an adult, I never counted on anything but myself to make it and own it.  But as I grew older the cruelty life taught me stole more and more of the spirited soul I felt I once had.  Once as a young girl I dreamed of finding unicorns and riding in the equestrian trials,  and now I can barely crawl through the fires around me.  Although I’ve always pictured myself alone, I never knew I would be so lonely.  

I’m not sure how I ended up this way.  Was it the exclusion as a child from my siblings?  My parents ignoring me and never having the time?  Was it the years I was molested and warped into thinking it meant he loved me then felt worthless as he grew up and moved on to girls his age who he wasn’t related to?  Was it the names I was called growing up by my siblings or the lack of compassion my parents gave when they saw how it hurt me?  Was it always feeling the only reason why anyone wanted me around was to use for something or anything?  Any or all of it reinforcing the low self esteem that still sits with me today? Funny thing was I was the popular one in school, the one the student body would look to.  And even then I felt like a stranger even to myself.  

Yet here I am, a 41 year old woman who still loses herself in her books and poetry.  Pretending everything is alright even when it’s not.  And I know life has so much more to give, and I can take it if only I reach out.  I may get slapped back down, but I know I will have to find a way to get back on my feet and move forward.  Even those days when I am filled with a loathing for myself and the choices I’ve made, I will always continue to place one step in front of the other.  The problem I find is the path I have walked upon has always been the more arduous one of all.  

No, life was never meant to be easy but I wonder when I am allowed a break.  When do I get to sit back and release the tears I’ve held back inside and feels the comfort of someone’s strength holding me, allowing me to be vulnerable and not be taken advantage of it?

I don’t know if that will ever happen, but I do know at some point I have to find something, anything that can help me learn to love who I am and what I have to give.  To let go of the disappointment and anger I have for myself, and embrace life with a whole new attitude.  To smile and not fake it.  To find my place among others and be proud of who I am.  

Who knows when or if this could happen, all I know is that I am still here, alive and breathing.  I can hope a day will come when I can look at the woman in the mirror and accept her for who she is, and know she deserves so much more.

 

I hate that I still think of you

I hate how I miss you and what you were to me back then

I hate the hope I had in feeling like life was starting over

That I finally had a real chance at happiness

But like everyone else you took what you needed

I gave you so much of me, risking it all

I gave till it hurts 

Little did I know how high the cost would be

The loathing I feel 

Not for you but for me

For actually believing you were really there for me

That happiness was within my reach

But they were dreams not meant for me

I was just a stepping stone on your way to someone new

To help you play the gentle man you never were

I hate the ache that I hold in my heart

I hate that I cannot let it go

I wonder if I relive the pain to remind myself of what a fool I’ve been

Waiting and hoping for too long

To think I could finally be free to live a life that was meant for me

Funny thing is now I cannot bring myself to cry

Not a tear can be shed 

I know I deserve so much more

Yet I just can’t let go that I am not worth anything at all

I can only hope one day I will find

That missing part of me that can help make myself whole

And mends that broken part of me

So I’ve been checking out other blogging sites, I’ve already signed up on wordpress (under the same moniker) but I have to admit I’m unimpressed with what is out there.  I’ve tried using blogger.com in the past and it’s a pain in my ass not to mention the lack of community that these blog sites have is terrible.  Maybe I just don’t want to change, letting go of something I’m so comfortable with is hard, but I really don’t want to move on.

If I have to pay to stay on Xanga I will.  When I started blogging I went in with the mindset of just doing it for me, having a place to write down my thoughts without anyone ever knowing or finding out.  To be able to trace back and see where I was then to now.  Yet now I crave being able to share my thoughts, my writings, my feelings and ideas with others.  I look forward to the feedback and I really enjoy connecting with like minded people as well as learning from others with different backgrounds. 

No matter what happens it’ll never be the same, I just can only hope Xanga is here to stay. 

 

It’s weird knowing that Xanga could just fade away.  It’s always been there for me.  A place for me to write my thoughts, vent my feelings.  It’s a place where my trust was greatly betrayed yet I also connected to some amazing people too, one of whom I consider a dear friend.  I’ve found some incredible writers who made me want to push my skills and try harder. I’ve shared my dreams, my fears, my past, my achievements and my defeats.  

I’ve seen the world through different eyes, and taken on new perspectives.  And even though I’ve wandered from the halls I’ve always come back home.  It’s been home since 2008 and the thought of never coming home again actually saddens me.  It could be exciting to go somewhere new, see new sights, find new minds.  But it’ll never be home, it’ll never be the same.  It is a shame to see it go, my only wish would be if I could have more.

I haven’t been around in a while.  Pain management doc put me on Lyrica and it really messed me up, feeling like I was always in a fog and unable to keep a thought in my head.  And people think illegal drugs are bad?!  Try some legit ones…sheesh.  Well I finally came back today to catch up on all I have missed and now have a ton of messages of people posting their new blog sites because xanga is closing?

Is it really?  What did I miss?  Or is this another hoax?  If so I need to start copying my posts that I’d like to keep asap!

Any info is greatly appreciated!