May 10, 2013

• Feelings

  i wasn’t going to post this.  I have been feeling really shitty lately and trapped within the muddle thoughts inside my own head.  Self pity, maybe but I do know the other night I had a real moment of weakness.  I wish I could stay strong and never waver, it’s what the people around me and in my life expect of me.  But I am human and I cry like everyone else, I just got really good at hiding it. 
  

  That being said, I was writing out my feelings in hopes of setting them free.  But then I realized in hiding them from my blog that I am not accomplishing what I really wanted to do, it may be self serving, or me hosting a pity party.  It doesn’t matter, this is how I really felt in that moment, I am feeling better today but I still cannot shake these thoughts or the feelings that weigh down my heart.  I can only hope that in leaving it here I can leave it behind me or at least make another step in the right direction towards a better future.  One can only hope.

   

  It’s been creeping up on me this melancholy and loneliness in a way that I haven’t experienced in a very long time.  Everything makes me weepy and I have lost the ability to hide it.  I have so few moments of happiness and I cannot remember the last time I was content or felt safe.  I can’t stop thinking of what I’ve lost, of what I’ll never have, and who I will never be.  The dreams I had are all gone.  People keep saying never give up I can make it and nothing can stop me, but I have lost the belief that I can.  

  How do I find that optimism that I once had?  To know no matter what I can stand on my own.  How do I contend with the fact that I don’t want to, that I want so much to have someone to hold me and walk me through the fires that continually rage around me.  When everything that once made me so happy and that I loved to do and was such a big part of me I can never do again.  How do I give that intimate side that I am reluctant to share.  Afraid of the rejections the sneers and jeers. When so little keeps me grounded I have no idea how I still travel down this road.  I wonder if its because I have no where else to go.  Maybe it’s because the reason is that I was meant to forever go at it alone.

  It doesn’t help that Mother’s Day is around the corner and it’s just a glaring reminder that I am not nor will I ever be a mother.  Even if I started a whole new life with someone else it’s too late for me.  I guess what makes it harder was actually becoming pregnant and the loss that followed it.  I did not realize how much I had changed in the short time I knew I was carrying a child inside of me.  There are still days I try and picture who he or she would look like now, their personality and where life would have taken me had I really been a mom.  The shocking thing was never really wanting a child until then.  Maybe this is the way it should have been though, with my fucked up history, maybe it was best this child never came to be.  And it’s that lowly thought I hold on to to help me deal with, and get past all the baby announcement among family and friends.

  Could it just be that I’m so tired of hurting physically that I no longer have the strength to hide my emotional pain? That I am feeling all of this more than I ever had before?  

  I just don’t know anymore.  The only thing I can be sure of is that I have never been more alone in my thoughts, and with every part of me I ache to know what it is like to feel someone hold me and let me cry, to make me feel safe and know in that moment of weakness they would never use it against me.  But this too is another wish that will never come to pass.

  • 11:34 am
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